Crazy Love, Chapter 4: Profile of the Lukewarm

So to be perfectly honest, I looked forward to reading this chapter about as much as I would probably look forward to a root canal... or amputation.

But because of my desire to complete this book (or maybe just because I'm stupid), I kept reading anyway. And sure enough, it was rough going.

Over the past year especially, God has been opening up my eyes to an understanding that the Christian faith involves tough stuff. First off, Christian spirituality is tough stuff. There's the whole don't have sex before you're married thing, followed by the don't get drunk with all your friends thing, only to be followed by the whole you need to have intensely personal faith conversations with people who don't know Jesus thing.

And that doesn't even account for the whole love others and turn the other cheek thing.

But secondly, being a Christian involves becoming like Christ. And Christ was persecuted. He suffered. He was even crucified.

And we are called to do the same...?

I don't like the fact that I serve a God who commands me to die at the altar of self so that I can live a life that promotes the interests of others, that helps those who don't have a voice, that gives care and compassion to the people I feel deserve it the least. I wish Christianity was cooler and more trendy and popular. I wish that I was part of a faith where when I mention it I draw smiles off of people's faces and not scowls. I wish I didn't have to feel like there's the humongous elephant in the room of homosexuality or drinking or sex or you name it when I'm trying to make new friends who might not happen to be Christians. But that's a part of faith. That's a part of being a Christian... embracing stuff that's usually unpopular and that often makes your life harder, not easier.

When I read this chapter, I keep coming back to the simple idea that walking from a lukewarm Christian to a crazy love Christian happens when we simply learn how to go the extra mile. This chapter forced me to ask some difficult questions of myself regarding going the extra mile:

• Do I give to those who are poor or in need? Nope.
• Do I give sacrificially? Sometimes.
• Do I really look at my times with Jesus as something to enjoy, or just something I have to do? Probs the latter.
• Do I focus on heaven instead of the things of this world? To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I truly focused on the world beyond ours.
• When I'm at church, am I truly loving God or just going through the motions? Well, sometimes I find my mind wandering during worship, and I can't tell you the last time a sermon effected any serious life change for me.
• Do I love and care for people, even when they don't love or care for me back? Thinking of this I'm really haunted by some of the people I went to high school with. I can think of two guys who were, frankly, real jerks and acted stupid in school. They weren't really that nice to me. Yet, did I still reach out to them and love them like Jesus would? Nope. I can think of another girl who was just incredibly annoying and inconsiderate, and now in the post-high school world has turned into a real whore (sorry for the crudeness, but it's the truth). Yet, did I reach out beyond all the things I saw with her that annoyed me or that I disliked and try to love her? Nope.

I have a tendency to look at Jesus and the disciples and Paul and those guys and really look at them as radicals. The Bible would instead have us understand that these people weren't radical Christians, but just Christians. These were just people living the fullness of the Christian faith and the teachings of Jesus out. That's what a Christian is supposed to look like.

Just like anything else, I can't move on toward growth and healing until I own up to who I am and what I've done. So here, before everyone, let me make the confession that I am a lukewarm Christian. There is no getting around that. I haven't lived the Christian faith out in its fullness, and for that, Jesus has every reason to spit me out of his mouth. Take a few minutes and really think about that for yourself. We have a tendency to just sort of shrug it off, but give the question some real consideration. Are you a lukewarm Christian?

We need to repent. I took some time to do that this evening. God, I'm sorry for not giving sacrificially as You gave for me. Lord, I apologize for not loving people who don't love me back (even though You always love me, no matter what). God, I take my life and I lay it before You. Forgive me for the stupid words and the meaningless prayers and all that stuff. Lord, grant me Your forgiveness, and please through the power of the Holy Spirit help me better follow You.

But we shouldn't just meditate on all the stuff we do wrong... whether you're a lukewarm Christian or a crazy love Christian, God grants us His grace no matter what. We just fall down, and God picks us back up, dusts us off, and like the woman in John 8, tells us to try again. God's Holy Spirit is working in me, and I pray that He transforms me into a Christian who is deeply and madly in love with Him.

Lord, transform me. And forgive me.

Amen.

Crazy Love, Chapter 3: Crazy Love

I struggle to say the words "I love you."

I'm a pretty analytical person. And I am also of the persuasion that love is something beautiful and important. So, I probably also struggle to say "I love you" because other people toss the word "love" around so much. I know some people that love everything from their television to their grandma to their toaster oven.

I'm not so sure that's what love is meant to be.

I've never been in love, and I kind of wonder what that feels like. One day, I hope to fall just head over heels in love with a girl and have my heart beat fast and my stomach get butterflies each time she looks at me or talks to me or whatever. So juvenile, I know. But I hope to one day experience that. And I think that the fact that I don't feel like I know what love is or looks like or feels like kind of makes it hard for me to love.

I love my mom and my dad and most of the time, my sister (just kidding, I love her all the time). I love my friends. But I struggle to love God.

In addition to my struggle to say "I love you," I think a big reason why I struggle so much at loving God is simply the nature of the relationship. I just really struggle with loving this immense and huge God that I cannot see, touch, feel, etc. That's kind of weird to me.

I don't know that I carry a ton of baggage into looking at God like a Father. My dad is great, and I love him. However, through the first 12-14 years of my life, dad worked long, hard hours at his job. I feel like I never got to see him that much, and we've since just kind of had this relationship that's not very relational. Just kind of short, sweet, and to the point. We have our great moments, to be sure, but overall it's just kind of a not very relational relationship. Maybe I carry some of that over into my relationship with God, too.

I struggle at loving God. For the longest time, I did all the right Christian stuff, but I'm not sure it really did me much good because I did it because I would feel guilty otherwise. Especially in junior high and my first few years of high school, I did stuff like praying and reading my Bible not because I wanted to or because I loved God and wanted to get closer to Him, but because I would feel guilty and like a bad Christian if I didn't. Eventually, I got so frustrated because I wasn't getting anything out of this stuff that I basically gave up the day-to-day following God stuff. I didn't walk away from the faith or anything, and I certainly still made an effort to worship and follow God, but around my senior year in high school, I just kind of gave up on the whole daily Bible reading and prayer stuff because it was frustrating me and I just hated doing it. It was boring. I really empathized with that loveless faith that Francis described at the beginning of this chaper.

Probably because I was doing all that stuff for all the wrong reasons.

Since the start of 2009, God has really been working and getting a hold of me in this area. Slowly but surely I'm starting to do the day-to-day following God stuff like praying and reading my Bible because I understand that these are not exercises for me to check off of my Christian To-Do List, but that these are real ways in which God and I form a relationship. That's been difficult for me to embrace, but I'm slowly coming around, and that really excites me.

I sincerely agree with Francis Chan... if we ever truly learn and understand the basic idea that God loves us and cares for us and even wants a relationship with us, it will rock us to the core. I think that for me, familiarity has breeded contempt in this area. The message of God's love has become too familiar to me, and I gloss over it like I would any other mundane, ordinary thing. Yet, the fact that God loves me isn't ordinary at all. It's huge! It should shake my whole understanding of faith, following Jesus, and living my life.

After finishing the chapter, I was really overcome with this sense to simply meditate on the question: "What does it mean to say that God loves me?" I turned to 1 Corinthians 13 for my answer, replacing the word "love" with God. It was kind of a powerful exercise to pray about. Through it, I was reminded of God's incredible patience and perseverance with me. I was reminded that God always has my best interests at heart, and is incredibly kind and merciful to me. But most of all, I was reminded that God never fails, and would never leave me.

I love God. That's a fact. I love Him for what He's done for me, but I also love Him because of who He is, and because of the mere fact that even when no one else does, He chooses to care for me, to listen to me, and to love me, even when He gets absolutely nothing out of this relationship (which, let's be honest, is probably 99.99999% of the time).

"The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing that God treasures us" (p.61). I pray and pray and pray that God would continue to open my eyes to this mind-blowing truth.

Crazy Love, Chapter 2: You Might Not Finish This Chapter

We are all going to die.

Not exactly a really great way to start off a blog entry.

But folks, no matter how hard you try to hide from it, that's the truth. One day, we are all going to say goodbye to this earth, to the friends and family we know, and slip off into eternity. Death rate always has and always will be 100%. That's just a fact.

In today's reading, I was hit with a couple of things. The first is simply that we need to make our lives count. Francis said, "Many people just waste their lives." That's the truth.

As I prayed about that this evening, at first I felt pretty good about myself. I'm not wasting my life. I'm a pastor/pastoral studies student at a Bible college. I'm investing my life into doing God's work and into pouring into the lives of people, helping them further their relationship with Christ. That's a good thing. I'm doing well in this area, right?

But then I looked to my left. And to my right. I've got these gargantuan piles of clothes here. And all of a sudden, I realized that I needed to rethink whether or not I'm really investing my life into things that count. Sure, I am definitely doing that with my profession and career choice, but I've still got tons of room for growth. I spend so much of my time needing the coolest and best looking clothes, the nicest, neatest techno gadgets, or even just having tons of music (half of which I don't listen to) or movies or whatever. I don't think there's anything wrong with having these things, but I think if I'm honest I have a ton of excess that I simply don't need. Is that stuff that really matters?

The second thing I was sort of impacted by was the whole idea that when we worry and when we stress, we are holding a very prideful attitude. It's just dressed in different clothing. God clearly tells us that it is not our job to be worried or anxious about anything. Take a look at Philippians 4:4-9. Or Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:25-34. When I worry, and when I get anxious, I am essentially saying that God's Word does not apply in this situation; that I am somehow above the law and command of the Almighty Creator.

In the words of Chris Rock in Head of State, "That ain't right!"

After last night's reading and then today's, it should be pretty clear by now that we, as humans, are pretty small in comparison to God. God certainly values and loves each one of us, and each life is important, but in the whole scheme of things, we've each got our brief second of life. I, for one, want to make it count. I pray that God will continue to show me the ways in which I need to start investing in eternity, and doing stuff that truly makes a difference. I pray (gulp) that God will humble me and continue to show me how small and insignificant I am, but how great and powerful He is.

Crazy Love, Chapter 1 : Stop Praying.

So I, like just about every other twenty-something Christian in the United States, have decided to start reading Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. Everyone's been telling me what a freaking awesome book it is, so I figure, why not? So, I'm going to blog through the book. I'd love your feedback and discussion. In fact, I welcome it. I'm going to try to do my best at sharing my thoughts on what Chan writes and I dunno... see where it takes us. So, without further ado, chapter one: "Stop Praying."

Big confession time: I really struggle with worship sometimes.

That wouldn't sound so bad if it weren't the fact that I was a Bible college student.

Who majors in Worship Ministries.

Who is a worship minister, and soon to be a worship intern with a church near Chicago.

Yep. Not good.

I don't know exactly why. I think there are a few reasons. Number one, I just really struggle to focus on God. Especially on stage. I have one of those minds that's not really ADD, but I'm just always going through about 6 billion things at once, remembering to write to this person or to turn this paperwork in or to finish that assignment. And when I'm not making mental "to-do" lists, I'm double or triple checking them.

I think the other main reason I really struggle to worship God is simply because of the very nature of the relationship. I know that God has reached down into space and time through Jesus, and I could not be more convinced that God plays an intimate, loving, and caring role in each of our lives. Yet, still, I struggle with this idea of me connecting with or to God, who is so wholly different and just "other" than I am. I can't help but always feel that He's way out there, and I'm just kind of here. I know that's not true. I know He's here and that God cares. But knowing something and the way you feel don't always match up unfortunately.

Chapter 1 kind of calls me to think that maybe the reason I struggle to worship God so much deals directly with the simple fact that I don't properly and adequately understand how amazing God is and how small and insignificant that I am. If you didn't take the chance to watch the "Awe Factor" video on crazylovebook.com, you are totally missing something. I don't know that I really responded to that video in a really emotional way, but it's just something that makes you think about how small we are and how big God actually is.

Francis (and yes, I will refer to him by his first name... I practically raised his kids. And we chill on the weekends. And we're accountability partners. Okay, none of that is true at all, but I will still call him by first name.) had this Tozer quote in the book that talked about how what we believe and think when we hear the word, the name "God" is the most important thing about us. When I stopped and asked myself what I think of when I hear "God," this is what I got:

• God is very, very big.
• God is kind of impersonal and hard to relate to (even though I know God is very personal! Interesting the paradox we can live in sometimes, isn't it?)
• God is loving.
• God is there, and I am here.

Not exactly an awe-filling description. But if I'm honest, those are some of the main images that come to mind. And that's sad. Really sad. What does that say about me as a person who claims to be a follower of God? Not very much.

I kind of took a different look, though, on Revelation 4. I was really amused by the fact that Francis notes that when John describes God, he doesn't do so by talking about these physical features. For whatever reason, when I think of God on his throne, I think of a man. Yet, John doesn't compare God to any normal man. How does John describe God? By talking about jewelry. God is like an emerald, a sapphire, or the finest of rubies. He is that glowing and that radiant. He is that special.

I have never been confused for a beautiful piece of jewelry, no matter how hard I try.

And then, when John goes on to describe the elders (who must be pretty big stuff, seeing as how they have a permanent seat in God's throne room), he just says that they are dressed in white and wearing gold crowns. No doubt they are pretty cool, but when compared to God... yawn. Nothing special. That was really cool to me too. As was the idea of a lion-esque creature covered in eyes. Kind of creepy, actually.

And as I sort of unpacked everything at the end of the chapter, the other main truth I was forced to come face-to-face with is that as big and as awesome as God is, I am equally tiny, small, and insignificant. The question, "Who are you to tell God how to run His universe?" was very convicting to me. Mostly because I think I am pretty big stuff.

I try to be humble. I try to be selfless. But if I am honest, there are many times when my agenda, what I want, is placed high above everything else. There are a lot of things I've done in my life because they were what I wanted to do, or because they pleased me. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I do a pretty piss-poor job of focusing my life around God, His interests, and His glory.

Society and culture are very individual. There's a mindset that it's really all about what works for me. We are each told to pursue what we want. There's even the popular "whatever works" idea, where basically you believe and do what you want. What's right for you might not be right for another, etc. That's highly individual. That really places each of us on a pretty high pedestal in our own minds. But the grandure and greatness of God beckons us to understand that in the scheme of things, we are nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. But in the same vein, the God who is infinitely large and so amazing seeks out us, the poor and insignificant ones.

I keep praying that God will fill me with awe and wonder at the very mention or thought of Him, and also that God will shake me to the core with the truth of how small, insignificant, and unimportant I am. Maybe that will teach me to live the humble, selfless life that God desires. But likewise, I am also praying that God will teach me all over again, the awesome truth that He, the Almighty sovereign Creator of the universe, reaches out to little, tiny old me. Because if that truth gripped me at the core, in my heart... whoo boy there's no telling how my life would change.

Maybe if I took Francis' advice and simply stopped babbling on and on and actually took a look and took the time to stop and think, I might finally come to an understanding of who God really is. Maybe then, I would truly understand how big God is, how small I am, and how amazing Christ's love for me.

Chains.

So, I'm writing from here at CIY in Grantham, PA.

Yes, I did just see 4 butt naked high schoolers run down the hallway. It's all good.

Gang warfare between our guys and the guys from the other church living on our floor? Yep, seen it... actually, it's happening now. It's all good.

But seriously, it's been a fun, yet intimidating trip. I'm not going with Southwest, but with Madison, my home church in Columbus. We have a very young (and very new) group this year. Being gone from a place for about 8 or 9 months means some new faces and new kids. I haven't been super involved in their lives, so that's sort of intimidating too. I'm leading a D-Group and I have a panic attack about 15 minutes before each session.

It's all good.

But it really has been a good week so far. Greg Frazee is bringing the heat with worship, and speakers have been great. Eric and Nathan are here from CCU, so it's been really good to see them. And I'm hoping that there's a budding romance between myself and an intern from Ozark... good times.

But today's theme focused on the whole enslavement/freedom concept, as illustrated in the book of Exodus in the initial Passover feast. I guess I have just a few things to share from that.

Number one, I think it's really important to observe that the Passover takes place after 430 years of slavery on the part of the Israelites. God had been seemingly absent for a long time. It wasn't that the people weren't crying out... the Bible outlines that they were in the beginning of Exodus. God heard the cries. I have some real doubts and concerns about all of that... why did it take God 430 years? That's a long time to leave people crying out. That really troubles me. But I also concede that God has a unique timing and certainly there was a reason. These people were broken down, but God heard their cry and did something about it.

But secondly, the people were enslaved. This was something difficult. All day, we've been wearing these two wristbands with sins we struggle with written on the undersides of them. Tonight, we were given an extra wristband, and we had to tie together our hands. Literally, the entire 2 hours of the evening session, we were chained by these wristbands.

It was really humbling for me to think that this is what my sin does to me. I've been incredibly blessed in my life to never really struggle with a lot of issues that I've seen destroy other people's lives like porn, masturbation, pre-marital sex, suicide/depression, alcoholism, drug use, etc. I thank God for his mercy and grace with that.

Yet I still sin. My sins carry names like apathy.

Judgment.

Impurity.

Debt.

These are more socially-accepted sins within the confines of the church. I guess that's good in a way, because that means I can talk openly a little easier than can others about their sin, but it's also a bad thing. It's easy to lose the impact that this sin has on me. I go around carrying this sin, never really realizing how much it entangles and ensnares me.

But tonight, I didn't have that option. I couldn't cross my arms. I couldn't fiddle with my shirt or my jeans I was wearing. I couldn't really raise my hands during worship. I couldn't take notes during the sermon. I could barely even open and read my Bible during the sermon.

These "chains;" this enslavement was having a real effect on me. That was the point.

Sin has a real effect on us, even when we don't realize it. In fact, that's probably the scariest part: we don't realize it. Today, I had to come to grips with the humbling realization that even though my sins might not be scandalous or horrible in my eyes, they're still sins. They still affect me. There is a real enslavement happening here.

Of course, through the cross, Christ sets us free. His grace forgives my sin and offers me 2nd, 3rd, and 39,248,098th chances. Yet, I think that it's still important every now and then to observe that we are sinners, and that a man (no, more than a man) had to give his life on my behalf because of them.

In the story of Exodus, when God showed up, he showed up big time. Surely, he has the power to do the same today. Surely, he can still break the chains of apathy, judgement, impurity, and debt that bind me.