Crazy Love, Chapter 4: Profile of the Lukewarm

So to be perfectly honest, I looked forward to reading this chapter about as much as I would probably look forward to a root canal... or amputation.

But because of my desire to complete this book (or maybe just because I'm stupid), I kept reading anyway. And sure enough, it was rough going.

Over the past year especially, God has been opening up my eyes to an understanding that the Christian faith involves tough stuff. First off, Christian spirituality is tough stuff. There's the whole don't have sex before you're married thing, followed by the don't get drunk with all your friends thing, only to be followed by the whole you need to have intensely personal faith conversations with people who don't know Jesus thing.

And that doesn't even account for the whole love others and turn the other cheek thing.

But secondly, being a Christian involves becoming like Christ. And Christ was persecuted. He suffered. He was even crucified.

And we are called to do the same...?

I don't like the fact that I serve a God who commands me to die at the altar of self so that I can live a life that promotes the interests of others, that helps those who don't have a voice, that gives care and compassion to the people I feel deserve it the least. I wish Christianity was cooler and more trendy and popular. I wish that I was part of a faith where when I mention it I draw smiles off of people's faces and not scowls. I wish I didn't have to feel like there's the humongous elephant in the room of homosexuality or drinking or sex or you name it when I'm trying to make new friends who might not happen to be Christians. But that's a part of faith. That's a part of being a Christian... embracing stuff that's usually unpopular and that often makes your life harder, not easier.

When I read this chapter, I keep coming back to the simple idea that walking from a lukewarm Christian to a crazy love Christian happens when we simply learn how to go the extra mile. This chapter forced me to ask some difficult questions of myself regarding going the extra mile:

• Do I give to those who are poor or in need? Nope.
• Do I give sacrificially? Sometimes.
• Do I really look at my times with Jesus as something to enjoy, or just something I have to do? Probs the latter.
• Do I focus on heaven instead of the things of this world? To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I truly focused on the world beyond ours.
• When I'm at church, am I truly loving God or just going through the motions? Well, sometimes I find my mind wandering during worship, and I can't tell you the last time a sermon effected any serious life change for me.
• Do I love and care for people, even when they don't love or care for me back? Thinking of this I'm really haunted by some of the people I went to high school with. I can think of two guys who were, frankly, real jerks and acted stupid in school. They weren't really that nice to me. Yet, did I still reach out to them and love them like Jesus would? Nope. I can think of another girl who was just incredibly annoying and inconsiderate, and now in the post-high school world has turned into a real whore (sorry for the crudeness, but it's the truth). Yet, did I reach out beyond all the things I saw with her that annoyed me or that I disliked and try to love her? Nope.

I have a tendency to look at Jesus and the disciples and Paul and those guys and really look at them as radicals. The Bible would instead have us understand that these people weren't radical Christians, but just Christians. These were just people living the fullness of the Christian faith and the teachings of Jesus out. That's what a Christian is supposed to look like.

Just like anything else, I can't move on toward growth and healing until I own up to who I am and what I've done. So here, before everyone, let me make the confession that I am a lukewarm Christian. There is no getting around that. I haven't lived the Christian faith out in its fullness, and for that, Jesus has every reason to spit me out of his mouth. Take a few minutes and really think about that for yourself. We have a tendency to just sort of shrug it off, but give the question some real consideration. Are you a lukewarm Christian?

We need to repent. I took some time to do that this evening. God, I'm sorry for not giving sacrificially as You gave for me. Lord, I apologize for not loving people who don't love me back (even though You always love me, no matter what). God, I take my life and I lay it before You. Forgive me for the stupid words and the meaningless prayers and all that stuff. Lord, grant me Your forgiveness, and please through the power of the Holy Spirit help me better follow You.

But we shouldn't just meditate on all the stuff we do wrong... whether you're a lukewarm Christian or a crazy love Christian, God grants us His grace no matter what. We just fall down, and God picks us back up, dusts us off, and like the woman in John 8, tells us to try again. God's Holy Spirit is working in me, and I pray that He transforms me into a Christian who is deeply and madly in love with Him.

Lord, transform me. And forgive me.

Amen.

Desire.

Well, taking some time to write tonight from the Garlands' house... yet another family that has done so much for me and has longingly bestowed their hospitality on me. I have learned a lot about that in the past year or so... it started in Brazil and now continues in Springboro and will continue when I move to Chicago in a few months. Lord, thanks for the awesome, gracious, loving, and compassionate people that you put into my life.

Tonight, as I was driving here, for some reason I started to do a little bit of thinking about Psalm 42, and the psalmist's declaration that "as the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after You, oh God." It got me thinking about a few things.

Number one, I wish I could honestly say that about my life right now. Over the past few weeks, I've started to try to get into the habit of running a half mile or so before I get my day going, just in an effort to try and get a little bit more into shape. I am in terrible shape, and so when I finish each day, I am parched. I'm breathing hard. I'm sweating. Nothing feels better than a nice, tall, cool glass of water. And that's kind of the imagery I get here.

I wish that I could say I desired God that much. But I honestly don't know that I can say that right now. I used to feel that desire was something that just happened. You either had it or you didn't. As I've continued to grow up, though, I realize that the more you come into contact with beautiful things, the more you desire them. So I guess I need to work harder at exposing myself to the beauty of God, whether that's through a heartfelt prayer, the beauty of Scripture, or the wonder of worship.

Secondly, I started to think about the whole idea of desiring God. What does it mean to "desire God?" I think that's one of those church phrases that I just throw out there all the time without truly thinking about what it means. So tonight, I dared to define that. I came up with few different things. I think that desiring God means that I make a continual effort to spend time with him, whether that's Scripture, prayer, worship, or even just thinking about God and the way of life that he calls me to. I think that it's really important to make the recognition that when we truly desire things that we set aside other stuff for that thing. For instance, do I really desire my girlfriend, wife, or best friend if I'm not willing to turn off the TV and go see them or talk to them?

But I think that just as importantly, desiring God means that I genuinely desire for God's kingdom to come on this earth. And that has some huge implications as well, mostly because bringing God's kingdom to earth starts with me.

It starts with me taking the initiative to love other people, even the hard to love ones.

It starts with me making service a daily part of the life I live.

It starts with me having the courage to cultivate relationships with others.

It starts with me taking time out of my day to deal with others' problems, even when I have other stuff that needs to be done.

It starts with me diligently working to be a more Christlike person.

Beyond that, truly desiring God's kingdom to come requires me having the courage to encourage and lead other people to do these very same things. Not only must I lead by example, but I have to actively encourage other people to join in. That can take several forms: sharing the gospel message with someone who doesn't follow Jesus, finding a way to involve other people in the things that I am working to do for Christ, and sometimes even giving a swift (but loving!) kick in the pants to Christians who keep sitting on the sidelines.

For me, all of this is kind of a big thing to think about. Desiring God isn't just a state of mind, but it is something that can and should be directly seen through who I am and what I do. That can be difficult work, but that is the work that God calls us to! I'm sorry for the times and ways in which I don't demonstrate this. I'm still a work in progress. Can we try again? Together?

The Rennovation of the Heart

Today was a good day. Not a super interesting one by any means, but still a good one.

I hate homework so much, but it was 10:30 and the sun was shining and I couldn't go back to bed, so I picked up my book for Church Growth & Planting, did a few chapters, and then went to brunch (which was actually very good, by the way). I came back to the room with the intent to do some more homework, only to be distracted by a couple episodes of Project Runway.

Of course, since it's Bravo, they reshow the same episodes from the season over and over again. This time, they showed the photo-inspiration one and the USA Olympic team one. As I was watching, I was reminded about how glad I am that Keith Bryce is gone. Seriously. I mean, what a whiny, complainy, wuss of a person. I could put up with that if he was a halfway-decent designer, but still. I am glad he's gone. And though he at first annoyed me, I am starting to like Suede. He's so over the top... you've gotta love it. But I'd still have to say my favorite designer is a toss-up between Leanne and Kator (not sure how you spell it!) though. Both are quite talented. There's still just no stand-out in the group this year, though. I'm a little disappointed.

Anyway, from there, off to C.J.'s church since I'm playing in the band for him this weekend. I suppose that was fine, but I have two issues. Number one, while the drive is beautiful and lovely, and for the most part I like the people at C.J.'s church, it is still a 45 minute drive. I think I needed to choke back tears tonight as I mourned for the gas pouring out of my tank. Also, their sound man drives me crazy. He's just so... weird. I guess I should try to make a better effort instead of judging him like the weak little seventh-grader that I am inside, but still. I just don't get it sometimes.

My evening finished up with an unexpected visit to C.J. and Ami's apartment for dinner, at Ami's invitation. I love those two so much. And the great thing is that they are just as wonderful together as they are separately. They complement each other well, and marriage is working out very nicely for them. It always makes me happy when I'm able to spend time together with them. I just wish I wasn't the 3rd wheel though. That's never a pleasant thing. Of course, neither is trying to pry C.J. away from his "Time" magazine, or the Ohio State loss this evening. I guess some things you just have to tough out.

And recently, I'm (re)discovering that I'm not as great a Christian as I like to think that I am. Oh well, such is life. I've noticed that really since high school, my walk with Jesus has kind of stagnated in a way, but not because I've quit attending church or anything like that. Granted, I could definitely do a better job of commiting myself to prayer and to studying the Bible (kind of ironic, seeing as how I do carry a Biblical Studies major), but (not to sound arrogant) I think I'm at a point where I know enough about the Bible. My problem isn't knowing, and most of the time, it isn't doing, either. My problem is being. I struggle with the attitudes of the heart. Things on the outside are for the most part good. But I struggle with grace. Kindness. Truthfulness. My favorite... pure motives.

I think I have stagnated a lot because I have just now realized I'm at a point in my faith where God is ready for me to undertake the more difficult work of rennovating the heart. And that is challenging. Yet, I believe in the end, it will be rewarding. The first place I'm going to start is with trust and generosity. I'm going to tithe tomorrow... a whopping $10.40, but nevertheless, 10% of my last paycheck. It's the first time I'll tithe in over a year. We'll see where this goes...

Sorry this was boring, but hey. They can't all be super interesting.

Until next time...