Crazy Love, Chapter 2: You Might Not Finish This Chapter

We are all going to die.

Not exactly a really great way to start off a blog entry.

But folks, no matter how hard you try to hide from it, that's the truth. One day, we are all going to say goodbye to this earth, to the friends and family we know, and slip off into eternity. Death rate always has and always will be 100%. That's just a fact.

In today's reading, I was hit with a couple of things. The first is simply that we need to make our lives count. Francis said, "Many people just waste their lives." That's the truth.

As I prayed about that this evening, at first I felt pretty good about myself. I'm not wasting my life. I'm a pastor/pastoral studies student at a Bible college. I'm investing my life into doing God's work and into pouring into the lives of people, helping them further their relationship with Christ. That's a good thing. I'm doing well in this area, right?

But then I looked to my left. And to my right. I've got these gargantuan piles of clothes here. And all of a sudden, I realized that I needed to rethink whether or not I'm really investing my life into things that count. Sure, I am definitely doing that with my profession and career choice, but I've still got tons of room for growth. I spend so much of my time needing the coolest and best looking clothes, the nicest, neatest techno gadgets, or even just having tons of music (half of which I don't listen to) or movies or whatever. I don't think there's anything wrong with having these things, but I think if I'm honest I have a ton of excess that I simply don't need. Is that stuff that really matters?

The second thing I was sort of impacted by was the whole idea that when we worry and when we stress, we are holding a very prideful attitude. It's just dressed in different clothing. God clearly tells us that it is not our job to be worried or anxious about anything. Take a look at Philippians 4:4-9. Or Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:25-34. When I worry, and when I get anxious, I am essentially saying that God's Word does not apply in this situation; that I am somehow above the law and command of the Almighty Creator.

In the words of Chris Rock in Head of State, "That ain't right!"

After last night's reading and then today's, it should be pretty clear by now that we, as humans, are pretty small in comparison to God. God certainly values and loves each one of us, and each life is important, but in the whole scheme of things, we've each got our brief second of life. I, for one, want to make it count. I pray that God will continue to show me the ways in which I need to start investing in eternity, and doing stuff that truly makes a difference. I pray (gulp) that God will humble me and continue to show me how small and insignificant I am, but how great and powerful He is.

Crazy Love, Chapter 1 : Stop Praying.

So I, like just about every other twenty-something Christian in the United States, have decided to start reading Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. Everyone's been telling me what a freaking awesome book it is, so I figure, why not? So, I'm going to blog through the book. I'd love your feedback and discussion. In fact, I welcome it. I'm going to try to do my best at sharing my thoughts on what Chan writes and I dunno... see where it takes us. So, without further ado, chapter one: "Stop Praying."

Big confession time: I really struggle with worship sometimes.

That wouldn't sound so bad if it weren't the fact that I was a Bible college student.

Who majors in Worship Ministries.

Who is a worship minister, and soon to be a worship intern with a church near Chicago.

Yep. Not good.

I don't know exactly why. I think there are a few reasons. Number one, I just really struggle to focus on God. Especially on stage. I have one of those minds that's not really ADD, but I'm just always going through about 6 billion things at once, remembering to write to this person or to turn this paperwork in or to finish that assignment. And when I'm not making mental "to-do" lists, I'm double or triple checking them.

I think the other main reason I really struggle to worship God is simply because of the very nature of the relationship. I know that God has reached down into space and time through Jesus, and I could not be more convinced that God plays an intimate, loving, and caring role in each of our lives. Yet, still, I struggle with this idea of me connecting with or to God, who is so wholly different and just "other" than I am. I can't help but always feel that He's way out there, and I'm just kind of here. I know that's not true. I know He's here and that God cares. But knowing something and the way you feel don't always match up unfortunately.

Chapter 1 kind of calls me to think that maybe the reason I struggle to worship God so much deals directly with the simple fact that I don't properly and adequately understand how amazing God is and how small and insignificant that I am. If you didn't take the chance to watch the "Awe Factor" video on crazylovebook.com, you are totally missing something. I don't know that I really responded to that video in a really emotional way, but it's just something that makes you think about how small we are and how big God actually is.

Francis (and yes, I will refer to him by his first name... I practically raised his kids. And we chill on the weekends. And we're accountability partners. Okay, none of that is true at all, but I will still call him by first name.) had this Tozer quote in the book that talked about how what we believe and think when we hear the word, the name "God" is the most important thing about us. When I stopped and asked myself what I think of when I hear "God," this is what I got:

• God is very, very big.
• God is kind of impersonal and hard to relate to (even though I know God is very personal! Interesting the paradox we can live in sometimes, isn't it?)
• God is loving.
• God is there, and I am here.

Not exactly an awe-filling description. But if I'm honest, those are some of the main images that come to mind. And that's sad. Really sad. What does that say about me as a person who claims to be a follower of God? Not very much.

I kind of took a different look, though, on Revelation 4. I was really amused by the fact that Francis notes that when John describes God, he doesn't do so by talking about these physical features. For whatever reason, when I think of God on his throne, I think of a man. Yet, John doesn't compare God to any normal man. How does John describe God? By talking about jewelry. God is like an emerald, a sapphire, or the finest of rubies. He is that glowing and that radiant. He is that special.

I have never been confused for a beautiful piece of jewelry, no matter how hard I try.

And then, when John goes on to describe the elders (who must be pretty big stuff, seeing as how they have a permanent seat in God's throne room), he just says that they are dressed in white and wearing gold crowns. No doubt they are pretty cool, but when compared to God... yawn. Nothing special. That was really cool to me too. As was the idea of a lion-esque creature covered in eyes. Kind of creepy, actually.

And as I sort of unpacked everything at the end of the chapter, the other main truth I was forced to come face-to-face with is that as big and as awesome as God is, I am equally tiny, small, and insignificant. The question, "Who are you to tell God how to run His universe?" was very convicting to me. Mostly because I think I am pretty big stuff.

I try to be humble. I try to be selfless. But if I am honest, there are many times when my agenda, what I want, is placed high above everything else. There are a lot of things I've done in my life because they were what I wanted to do, or because they pleased me. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I do a pretty piss-poor job of focusing my life around God, His interests, and His glory.

Society and culture are very individual. There's a mindset that it's really all about what works for me. We are each told to pursue what we want. There's even the popular "whatever works" idea, where basically you believe and do what you want. What's right for you might not be right for another, etc. That's highly individual. That really places each of us on a pretty high pedestal in our own minds. But the grandure and greatness of God beckons us to understand that in the scheme of things, we are nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. But in the same vein, the God who is infinitely large and so amazing seeks out us, the poor and insignificant ones.

I keep praying that God will fill me with awe and wonder at the very mention or thought of Him, and also that God will shake me to the core with the truth of how small, insignificant, and unimportant I am. Maybe that will teach me to live the humble, selfless life that God desires. But likewise, I am also praying that God will teach me all over again, the awesome truth that He, the Almighty sovereign Creator of the universe, reaches out to little, tiny old me. Because if that truth gripped me at the core, in my heart... whoo boy there's no telling how my life would change.

Maybe if I took Francis' advice and simply stopped babbling on and on and actually took a look and took the time to stop and think, I might finally come to an understanding of who God really is. Maybe then, I would truly understand how big God is, how small I am, and how amazing Christ's love for me.

Chains.

So, I'm writing from here at CIY in Grantham, PA.

Yes, I did just see 4 butt naked high schoolers run down the hallway. It's all good.

Gang warfare between our guys and the guys from the other church living on our floor? Yep, seen it... actually, it's happening now. It's all good.

But seriously, it's been a fun, yet intimidating trip. I'm not going with Southwest, but with Madison, my home church in Columbus. We have a very young (and very new) group this year. Being gone from a place for about 8 or 9 months means some new faces and new kids. I haven't been super involved in their lives, so that's sort of intimidating too. I'm leading a D-Group and I have a panic attack about 15 minutes before each session.

It's all good.

But it really has been a good week so far. Greg Frazee is bringing the heat with worship, and speakers have been great. Eric and Nathan are here from CCU, so it's been really good to see them. And I'm hoping that there's a budding romance between myself and an intern from Ozark... good times.

But today's theme focused on the whole enslavement/freedom concept, as illustrated in the book of Exodus in the initial Passover feast. I guess I have just a few things to share from that.

Number one, I think it's really important to observe that the Passover takes place after 430 years of slavery on the part of the Israelites. God had been seemingly absent for a long time. It wasn't that the people weren't crying out... the Bible outlines that they were in the beginning of Exodus. God heard the cries. I have some real doubts and concerns about all of that... why did it take God 430 years? That's a long time to leave people crying out. That really troubles me. But I also concede that God has a unique timing and certainly there was a reason. These people were broken down, but God heard their cry and did something about it.

But secondly, the people were enslaved. This was something difficult. All day, we've been wearing these two wristbands with sins we struggle with written on the undersides of them. Tonight, we were given an extra wristband, and we had to tie together our hands. Literally, the entire 2 hours of the evening session, we were chained by these wristbands.

It was really humbling for me to think that this is what my sin does to me. I've been incredibly blessed in my life to never really struggle with a lot of issues that I've seen destroy other people's lives like porn, masturbation, pre-marital sex, suicide/depression, alcoholism, drug use, etc. I thank God for his mercy and grace with that.

Yet I still sin. My sins carry names like apathy.

Judgment.

Impurity.

Debt.

These are more socially-accepted sins within the confines of the church. I guess that's good in a way, because that means I can talk openly a little easier than can others about their sin, but it's also a bad thing. It's easy to lose the impact that this sin has on me. I go around carrying this sin, never really realizing how much it entangles and ensnares me.

But tonight, I didn't have that option. I couldn't cross my arms. I couldn't fiddle with my shirt or my jeans I was wearing. I couldn't really raise my hands during worship. I couldn't take notes during the sermon. I could barely even open and read my Bible during the sermon.

These "chains;" this enslavement was having a real effect on me. That was the point.

Sin has a real effect on us, even when we don't realize it. In fact, that's probably the scariest part: we don't realize it. Today, I had to come to grips with the humbling realization that even though my sins might not be scandalous or horrible in my eyes, they're still sins. They still affect me. There is a real enslavement happening here.

Of course, through the cross, Christ sets us free. His grace forgives my sin and offers me 2nd, 3rd, and 39,248,098th chances. Yet, I think that it's still important every now and then to observe that we are sinners, and that a man (no, more than a man) had to give his life on my behalf because of them.

In the story of Exodus, when God showed up, he showed up big time. Surely, he has the power to do the same today. Surely, he can still break the chains of apathy, judgement, impurity, and debt that bind me.

Desire.

Well, taking some time to write tonight from the Garlands' house... yet another family that has done so much for me and has longingly bestowed their hospitality on me. I have learned a lot about that in the past year or so... it started in Brazil and now continues in Springboro and will continue when I move to Chicago in a few months. Lord, thanks for the awesome, gracious, loving, and compassionate people that you put into my life.

Tonight, as I was driving here, for some reason I started to do a little bit of thinking about Psalm 42, and the psalmist's declaration that "as the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after You, oh God." It got me thinking about a few things.

Number one, I wish I could honestly say that about my life right now. Over the past few weeks, I've started to try to get into the habit of running a half mile or so before I get my day going, just in an effort to try and get a little bit more into shape. I am in terrible shape, and so when I finish each day, I am parched. I'm breathing hard. I'm sweating. Nothing feels better than a nice, tall, cool glass of water. And that's kind of the imagery I get here.

I wish that I could say I desired God that much. But I honestly don't know that I can say that right now. I used to feel that desire was something that just happened. You either had it or you didn't. As I've continued to grow up, though, I realize that the more you come into contact with beautiful things, the more you desire them. So I guess I need to work harder at exposing myself to the beauty of God, whether that's through a heartfelt prayer, the beauty of Scripture, or the wonder of worship.

Secondly, I started to think about the whole idea of desiring God. What does it mean to "desire God?" I think that's one of those church phrases that I just throw out there all the time without truly thinking about what it means. So tonight, I dared to define that. I came up with few different things. I think that desiring God means that I make a continual effort to spend time with him, whether that's Scripture, prayer, worship, or even just thinking about God and the way of life that he calls me to. I think that it's really important to make the recognition that when we truly desire things that we set aside other stuff for that thing. For instance, do I really desire my girlfriend, wife, or best friend if I'm not willing to turn off the TV and go see them or talk to them?

But I think that just as importantly, desiring God means that I genuinely desire for God's kingdom to come on this earth. And that has some huge implications as well, mostly because bringing God's kingdom to earth starts with me.

It starts with me taking the initiative to love other people, even the hard to love ones.

It starts with me making service a daily part of the life I live.

It starts with me having the courage to cultivate relationships with others.

It starts with me taking time out of my day to deal with others' problems, even when I have other stuff that needs to be done.

It starts with me diligently working to be a more Christlike person.

Beyond that, truly desiring God's kingdom to come requires me having the courage to encourage and lead other people to do these very same things. Not only must I lead by example, but I have to actively encourage other people to join in. That can take several forms: sharing the gospel message with someone who doesn't follow Jesus, finding a way to involve other people in the things that I am working to do for Christ, and sometimes even giving a swift (but loving!) kick in the pants to Christians who keep sitting on the sidelines.

For me, all of this is kind of a big thing to think about. Desiring God isn't just a state of mind, but it is something that can and should be directly seen through who I am and what I do. That can be difficult work, but that is the work that God calls us to! I'm sorry for the times and ways in which I don't demonstrate this. I'm still a work in progress. Can we try again? Together?

A Good Day.

So I often forget that I love my church a ton.

And then I go there for the weekend and I remember.

Today was kind of strange because we had a guest worship leader today, so I was on the sidelines. Basically, while service was going on, I stayed in the back and terrorized our sound people and communion servers. It was great.

I got a chance to greet people and talk with folks as they walked in the door, which was awesome. I love people. I love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. We had a cookout tonight and I spent some time chatting, catching up, and joking with some folks tonight.

Today ended up being a pretty good day.