No one is impressed by my self-pity.
That's something I've kind of come to realize lately.
Tonight, I had a conversation with God. I drove to the grocery store to get some snacks for me to watch a movie, when on the way home I just suddenly kind of started talking. To God.
It wasn't something heart-wrenching or emotional. It wasn't a tear-filled prayer. In fact, no tears were shed at all.
But it was something truly magical.
I feel like I write on here a lot about being single. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm just being overly self-conscious. Who knows. But being a single person at Bible college, that topic gets thrown your way a lot. It's gotten thrown my way a lot lately. February 10th marked 4 years for me since I last dated someone. February 13th, I celebrated a friend's 22nd b-day. The gathering was her and her husband, her parents, and her sister and her serious bf.
Yeah, that's seventh wheel, if you're counting.
I spent another Valentines' Day alone. A girl I liked wasn't interested. I went to a CCU formal at the end of February where my table was a married couple, an engaged couple, and one girl who was engaged, but whose fiancee was in Texas. And somewhere in the midst of all the hand holding, discussion of wedding plans and receptions, honeymoon talk, and looking at someone's new wedding band, singleness kept rearing its ugly head my way.
It has been. But I am slowly realizing a couple things.
1. No one is impressed by my self-pity. I don't know why I do it. But at the first sign of loneliness, I get all depressed. I sulk. I mope. I'm sure it's not very becoming. I don't really know why I do it though. I'm sure that some of it is just a natural reaction of being a little depressed. But I think that a lot of it is some sort of device I use to get attention. Maybe someone will ask me and I'll get to open up and talk about it (because I never talk about these things face-to-face with anyone... it's one of those subjects I bury deep down inside). But the fact is that I think a big part of me is just content to throw a pity party for myself. Yeah, singleness sucks, especially living in my predominately non-single world. But self-pity isn't the answer, and I think that somewhere along the line I told myself that it was.
2. I can trust in God. I think that this was the big realization for me talking to God tonight. Simply this idea that God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11) changes everything. God has a plan for me. Yeah, it kind of sucks not knowing what that plan is, but I suppose that's just part of the ride. Right now, I am in the middle of living out the life that God has for me. And for whatever reason, right now, my life is that of a single guy. That's God's plan for me. And even though I don't always like it, I know I can trust God. I know God loves me. I know God has my best interests in mind. Thus, by faith, I choose to trust in God's plan for me and my life. God has brought me this far. He will continue to write my life story, and I shouldn't be afraid of that, because I know it will be something totally awesome. Yeah, I'm going to forget that sometimes. I'm going to mope on occasion. I'm sure of it. But through it all, I can focus on the God I serve and love, knowing that he has my best interests in mind. Always.
3. There are other people around me. This is kind of a realization I am coming to right now as I write this. Tonight I just finished watching the last two weeks' episodes of the Office. I really feel for Michael. His heart is broken after a series of unfortunate, uncontrollable events take Holly away from him, and then he finds out that she's seeing someone else. Then he throws this singles mixer, and the girl he met in the office park didn't show up. That sucks. I really empathize with Michael's struggles in a lot of ways. But one of the things that was kind of heartwarming at the end of the last episode was that other single people in the office rallied around Michael. They didn't let him be alone. They walked out with him. I think that a lot of the time I'm too busy pitying myself to recognize that I am surrounded by some awesome people that love me a ton. I need to let them love me, and never forget that their friendship always follows me, wherever I am. I also need to learn to open up to people... to quit shoving my feelings inside, and to share these feelings with those who love me, no matter how stupid, shallow, or insignificant I think my thoughts and feelings are.
I don't know guys. These are just some thoughts I've got on an issue that's always circulating in my brain. And if I ever start to pity myself again, tell me to snap out of it. That's being stupid.
But I know and trust in a God who loves and cares for me deeply. And very slowly, this is turning from a glittering Christian generality into an awesome truth.
wb
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