Dare.

So one of the stories of my Christian life is how bad I am at doing Christian things.

The most notable of these "things" concerns the areas of both prayer and reading Scripture.

Recently, while in Illinois, I decided that it would be a cool idea if I read through the first five books of the Old Testament (called the "Torah"). I don't know why this has always been a goal of mine, but there's just something about Old Testament Law that gets my blood pumping. Nothing's better than reading about how a woman is to properly clean up after her menstural period or rules on what to do if your donkey knocks over your neighbor's barrel of grain.

But as with all things I set out to do, my enthusiasm surely fades. My quest to read the entire Torah ended after about 3 chapters. Okay, more like 2 and a half. I didn't even start at the beginning; I started with the last book (Deuteronomy) simply because in my attempts to read before, I'd never gotten that far, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

And while I may have failed, I was reminded of a story, and I looked at it in an entirely new light. It's the story of Israel's possession of the land of Canaan.

Deuteronomy begins with basically a re-hashing of what's gone on in the history of the Israelites. God wants to remind them of how they were once slaves in Egypt. They experienced the pinnacle of oppression. However, in the midst of this, God heard the cries of his people and delivered them. He sent Moses as a spokesperson for the people, and after a series of mighty plagues, the Israelites were finally set free from captivity. A parted Red Sea and destroyed Egyptian army later, Moses and the Israelites were camped just outside of Canaan, the "Promised Land."

At this point, the Israelites devise a plan. They want to select a group to go into Canaan and act as spies. These men will take a look at the land, and see its benefits. They will also investigate the cities, and the best possible routes of attack and escape and so on. Basically, they will see what they are up against. Moses thinks this is a good idea and picks 12 men to go.

When these men arrive back in Israelite camp, they all come back raving about the land. It's amazing. The land is fertile; it would be a beautiful place to settle and start their country. They also come back talking about the people. They are big and fierce. They are warriors. Two of the spies believe that Israel should invade; God has promised to deliver them, and this land is ripe for the taking! The other 10 say that while the land is great, the risk is too dangerous. Israel should not invade, in spite of God's promise to be with them.

If you continue reading, you discover that Israel does not invade, and is instead punished. God will no longer fight with them, making any attempt for them to take the land now futile. Instead, they must wander around in the wilderness, waiting for God to be with them (which would take 40 years). This seems harsh, but hey, after seeing the amazing plagues in Egypt, I don't think that military victory is much of a far stretch, and the Israelites should know this. Even more, the Israelites make God out to be a ferociously deceptive liar. I mean, what a tease to lead them so far only to allow them to be conquered at the very end. I can kind of empathize with God's feelings a little on this one.

But my point is this:

We are Israel.

How many times do we refuse to claim what God has promised us?

The Christian life is a journey. It has its highs and lows, ups and downs. But through it all, we believe in a God who leads us, guides us, and wants to give us the best of what he has to offer. So many times, God places something incredible and amazing before us, yet we don't receive it because (like the Israelites) we don't have the courage to act.

I am not a proponent of "name it and claim it" theology where we ask God for anything and everything under the sun and expect to get it just because we asked for it. I do, however, believe that God wants to give his children amazing and awesome things. Yet, he seldom ever just gives them to us. We have to work for them.

God will do his part. He will make a way, and he will continue to provide opportunities and chances to recognize whatever this awesome thing is that he has set out before you. But the thing is that we must have the courage to act. God doesn't allow us to simply stand idly by, hoping, wishing, and waiting for something to happen. He wants us to take the leap of faith and trust that along the way, he will make it happen.

I always had a love/hate relationship with high school dances. I loved them because it was a good time. You got to go out to dinner with friends and then you got to dance and stay out late with everyone else. Those were good times.

But I hated these dances because they required one thing: a partner. As a guy, you had to ask someone to go with you. And if you know anything about me and the ladies, you know that taking the initiative and asking a girl out happens for me about as often as Pat Robertson makes a decision to be kind, caring, and non-hypocritical (so like, once every seven years or so). Even if you chose to fly solo, you had to have a partner for some of the dances. So at that point, you had to make the dreaded walk across the room and ask someone. I think I just peed my pants thinking about it.

The reward is there. But it is risky. It requires you to man up and act. And just like asking a girl to dance, God calls us to a similar type of risk. You see, the Israelites didn't fail in their recognition that the road before them was tough. Their failure lied in their inability to have the courage to act.

So my questions to you are simple:

What is your "Promised Land?" What has God placed before you?

Will you cower away? Will you act?

I don't want to spend my life thinking of what could've been if I'd only had the courage to move.

Community.

What a crazy weekend. I can't believe that it happened.

Since Thursday, I've been in Springfield, Illinois for my roommate and best friends' wedding. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to be best man in said wedding and I got to watch firsthand as Ami and C.J. both agreed before each other and God to love one another in sickness and in health, in joy and in pain. It was truly wonderful and I am so happy that these two have finally taken the plunge together. I can't wait to watch them start their new life together.

I still can't believe that it happened.

Right now, though, I'm torn over the whole thing. I feel awful because saying this is so selfish and narcissistic, but this whole experience has been extremely bittersweet for me. It brings me a great deal of joy to see two people whom I love so much to be united together in marriage. On the other hand, it brings me a great deal of pain to know that in a sense, I am kissing our friendship goodbye. I pray to God that we will all remain great friends throughout the years, but at the same time I also recognize that the friendship we once had is forever altered. Never again will I talk with C.J. in our dorm room at 2 am about politics, faith, or just everyday stuff. Ami will no longer just be hanging out around campus, always able to drop something and talk when I need to. And that's certainly not wrong... their priorities are different now (and rightfully so). They have to concentrate on loving each other and soon taking care of a family and ministry and school and (one day!) kids and the list goes on.

Again, it's so horribly selfish and narcissistic to just spin this around and talk about myself, but I can't help but feel really disconnected at this moment. For the time being, I have said goodbye to a friendship with two people that has become a bedrock in my life, and I'm certain that it will take a little while for us to figure out this new situation.

I just lack connection with anyone in my life right now. I'm discovering more than ever that I am friends with about a million people, yet I am not truly connected with a single one of them. I have discovered that it is very possible for me to be surrounded by many people whom I know and love, yet feel completely alone. At school, I just don't really feel as if I fit in with any person or particular group of people. Here at home I have a lot of memories and a lot of great friends whom I have shared years and years of my life with, but the fact remains that there is only so much connection that I can make with these people considering that I only spend about 4 months of the year here (and most of that is spent working). Even then, things at home have changed so much over the past 2 years since I've went to college that I think I can barely even label it home anymore.

This disconnect really, really bothers me. Loneliness really bothers me, and it's something that I think I've carried around my entire life. Last night as the wedding reception was coming to a close, I looked across the room and saw Ami and C.J. together... again, a very bittersweet moment. It made me really happy inside to see them with each other, but it also made me very sad because I knew that things would never be the same. When I finally retired for the evening, I laid in my bed and my mind was racing because at that moment I made this grand realization that I am so disconnected from everyone in my life right now. In a way, I feel that I have no one, and that is an extremely scary and unpleasant feeling. It's a feeling that I carried with me today on the ride all the way back home to Columbus.

But after thinking and praying about this, I've come to a few conclusions. Number one is that I am loved. Obviously, I am loved by God... we all are. But beyond that, I have a lot of people around me that love me. I have people at school like Michael, Marissa, Vicki, Brandon, Lindsay, Katie, Brad, Jeff, and Tyler (in addition to Ami and C.J.) who really care about me. Here at home I've got Marshall, Brent, David, Justin Olson, Bill, the Danec family, Nate, Ciara, Amanda, Jason, and my family. Sometimes I think I fall into the trap of thinking that these people don't care.

Secondly, I've concluded that a lot of the reason why I am not connected lies with myself. Being truly connected with people requires that you don't hold back, but that you share. If I am honest with myself, I do not share much of my life with anyone at all. There are a lot of thoughts, feelings, and desires that I keep completely hidden from everyone around me. I think a lot of this hinges on a really faulty understanding of my own self-worth. God believes that as persons, we have infinite value and worth. Somewhere along the line, though, I bought into this myth that I don't matter. At some point I decided that how I think and feel doesn't mean anything. This is all simply untrue. What I think and believe does mean something because I am a person created in God's own image. I have worth and importance. It isn't selfish of me to on occassion demand that people spend time with me, listen to how I'm feeling or doing, and acutally care. This is the way that it's supposed to be.

Yet, if I do not share, people never have the opportunity. Sharing is difficult. Bearing your soul is not easy. But after thought, prayer, and deliberation, I really believe that God is teaching me that I need to fill my life with more conversations about stuff that is of true emotional, spiritual, and mental importance to me, and less about shallow things. This is not going to be easy. But I really truly believe that as Christians, God wants us to bear one another's burdens. This means that we must share these burdens with others, instead of always choosing to bear them ourselves.

This all is very intimidating and difficult to me. However, no one ever said that this would be easy. Phillipians 1:6 gives me hope to cling to this idea that God isn't done with me. Instead, he is always working, and he will not leave me unfinished. Instead, he wants me to become a whole person, filled with peace in place of depression; hope instead of despair; true community in the face of loneliness.

And God willing, may that happen.

Until next time.

Where I Am.

I just don't know why I am like this sometimes.

I get in these moods... I say that I start thinking a lot, but really, that ends up being a code word for "I'm getting depressed." Half the time I don't even really understand what triggers it, or why I feel this way. Maybe I have guy PMS. But there just seems to be a lot of issues floating around on my mind and in my heart.

I work tomorrow from 11 to 4. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. It's a Saturday. I'll be bombarded with constant demands and requests from pushy, cheap customers. My boss will probably be pressuring me to open up a GapCard for someone, as if my worth as a person depended on it. My shift will be full of menial tasks like folding clothes, arguing with customers over the price of items, and overall, just learning to cope with rude personality quirks of customers.

I think that I'm really burnt out right now. I need a break from my job. I need some time to do nothing... just to be. But that time isn't coming anytime soon. I'm working every day from Saturday through Wednesday, and then early in the morning on Thursday, I'll be taking off for my best friends' wedding in Illinois. After that's over, I'll be coming back to this lovely world of mine... full of hours spent at a job that I don't really like right now, and full of stress, loneliness, and just disappointment in this thing that I call my life right now.

After work I'll be heading over to church to lead a praise team practice. I just don't really have that in me right now. I used to love doing it so much, but now doing praise team just fills me with worry and with stress. What if someone doesn't show up? What if something goes wrong? I don't have the energy to even really focus or concentrate on it right now, and I'm not really sure why. It's just not as fulfilling now as it once was, and I don't really understand why.

I just want to not be alone. It's amazing how you can be surrounded by so many people that call you "friend," yet feel so desperately and utterly alone. I strive so much to give and be the best friend to everyone that I possibly can be. Yet, this never seems to be given back to me in return. And the fact is, I don't really fit in anywhere. I'm not a cool jock-type person like Justin. I'm not in the whole group with Ciara and Amanda. I'm not really a cool college kid like Brent, and I'm not married like Jason and Andrea or C.J. and Ami. I'm not even close to dating or seeing anyone, so I'm resigned to always being the 3rd wheel, and that's a role that I got tired of playing a long time ago.

I'm tired of being the puzzle piece that doesn't really fit anywhere. I want to find my home.

I'm sure that a lot of this is just emotion speaking, but I know deep down that a lot of it isn't, either. And knowing myself, I'll end up doing what I always do... stuffing it deep down inside where I don't have to deal with it or (heaven forbid) let anyone see it. I believe that life is meant to be lived in community, but the sad and true fact is that when the crap hits the fan, I'm left standing in a community of one: me.

A lot of times I find myself so desperately longing to not be single anymore. And yeah, while all the stuff that goes along with dating someone is great, I think for me, it's more this knowledge of knowing that I am not alone. No matter what, I have someone who cares for me and supports me and will be willing to talk to me about what's bothering me and what's on my mind. I'll finally have at least one place where I fit. And sure enough, I project this magical ideal onto every person that I meet, and they always fall short. Let's face it; that's a lot of responsibility for someone to carry.

Rejection is such an ugly thing to carry. I've been on the receiving end of that more than enough times, and every time, it gets more and more difficult. But even worse is this knowledge that each time, I think a little layer is added on. It gets a little more difficult to love, for love requires vulnerability. And let's face it; rejection and vulnerability are two things that don't go together.

I remember a few months ago I was helping my friends C.J. and Ami move into their new apartment. It was the end of the school year, and I had been working on moving a lot of my stuff out too. I was tired. Yet, I still went over to their place because I love them, but also because they finally had a place of their own. Moving in was kinda symbolic of them starting their new life together. C.J. had a meeting at work, and so Ami and I went out to dinner together.

Recently, I'd went out with a girl from school on a date, and I thought it went really well. We both had a great time. But each day it was becoming more and more apparent that she didn't like me as anything more than a friend... the story of my life. Ami asked me to share about what was going on with that whole relationship, and so I did. And the thing was that it wasn't so much that this particular relationship didn't work out; it was simply the pain of having yet another thing tossed onto my garbage pile of rejection.

Tears were starting to fall from my eyes as I shared with Ami how frustrated I was. I told her how sick and tired I was of being just friends with everyone. I wanted more. Dare I say that I deserve more. I told Ami that I was beginning to get to the point where I was ready to give up on love altogether. Everytime I get burned, and it seems like each time is even more painful than the last. Why even try?

I'm sure that Ami saw my pain, though I tried to mask it as best as I could. And she told me simply that that is what makes me beautiful. In the face of rejection, I continue trying. Plenty of people give up on love, and that is so difficult to see. They err on one of two extremes: either they shut themselves off from everyone completely, or they begin to use others as a pawn in their little game. They strive simply for physical stuff that has the outward appearance of love, but yet never makes a connection in the heart. She told me to keep trying, keep hoping, and above all, to never stop loving.

1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love never fails. I have to confess that at this point in my life, I'm struggling to believe that. But I read something that echoed what Ami had to say the other day, and I must say that it really struck me:

Maybe you're in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them or you are never going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.

And so I guess that somewhere deep down inside, I'm going to dig up the strength to love again, despite my failures, despite my rejection, and despite my greatest fears. Jason has already taken the steps to fix me up with Bethani... maybe I'll talk to him about that after all.

This entry was so depressing, yet I feel a lot better. If you read it, hats off to you.

Until next time.

Introductory Matters.

Okay, so my name is Wesley.

Nice to meet you.

I'm a 20 year old college student at Cincinnati Christian University, majoring in worship ministries. For those of you who are not familiar (it's okay... there's no shame), basically that means that I want to find a way to fuse my passions for music and Jesus together, and then do something with that. Now if I could only find people who were dumb enough to pay me for that, then we'd be going places.

If you haven't already figured out, I am a Christian, and have been one for about 6 years now. I could enter in some cheezy, corny Christian line right here, but that's not how I roll. My faith is a part of me, and in many ways defines who I am. It influences my convictions, my ideas, and the way that I live my life. I'm always open for a little bit of discussion on that, so feel free. I pride myself on being a person who refuses to buy into this whole judgmental Christian thing. I do my best, but that's no promise that I'll ever be perfect. Just know that I'm trying.

I love to talk. I try to be open and honest. I love to meet new people. I like making friends.

I love music. Death Cab for Cutie is my favorite band, so fellow Death Cab fans, this is your place. I'll start the discussion by saying that I think the song "Your New Twin Sized Bed" is some of the most clever songwriting I've heard in a while. Other favorites include Sigur Ros (everybody's favorite Icelandic post-rock band), Coldplay, Mae, Copeland, Lovedrug, and many others.

To be totally honest here, I have no idea why I made this little blog. I've got one on facebook, one on myspace, and I'll even confess that I do have a xanga still (though I don't think I've really updated it in forever). I guess I want to make this a place for me to share about what's happening in my life. Maybe I'll share some thoughts on faith. Maybe every once in a while I'll actually write something that makes sense and that is something other people can identify with too. Who knows. But I'd encourage you to keep reading. I'd love to meet you.

I'd love for you to share your story.

Well, I guess that's all I've got for now. I know this was very exciting reading.

Until next time.