Community.

What a crazy weekend. I can't believe that it happened.

Since Thursday, I've been in Springfield, Illinois for my roommate and best friends' wedding. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to be best man in said wedding and I got to watch firsthand as Ami and C.J. both agreed before each other and God to love one another in sickness and in health, in joy and in pain. It was truly wonderful and I am so happy that these two have finally taken the plunge together. I can't wait to watch them start their new life together.

I still can't believe that it happened.

Right now, though, I'm torn over the whole thing. I feel awful because saying this is so selfish and narcissistic, but this whole experience has been extremely bittersweet for me. It brings me a great deal of joy to see two people whom I love so much to be united together in marriage. On the other hand, it brings me a great deal of pain to know that in a sense, I am kissing our friendship goodbye. I pray to God that we will all remain great friends throughout the years, but at the same time I also recognize that the friendship we once had is forever altered. Never again will I talk with C.J. in our dorm room at 2 am about politics, faith, or just everyday stuff. Ami will no longer just be hanging out around campus, always able to drop something and talk when I need to. And that's certainly not wrong... their priorities are different now (and rightfully so). They have to concentrate on loving each other and soon taking care of a family and ministry and school and (one day!) kids and the list goes on.

Again, it's so horribly selfish and narcissistic to just spin this around and talk about myself, but I can't help but feel really disconnected at this moment. For the time being, I have said goodbye to a friendship with two people that has become a bedrock in my life, and I'm certain that it will take a little while for us to figure out this new situation.

I just lack connection with anyone in my life right now. I'm discovering more than ever that I am friends with about a million people, yet I am not truly connected with a single one of them. I have discovered that it is very possible for me to be surrounded by many people whom I know and love, yet feel completely alone. At school, I just don't really feel as if I fit in with any person or particular group of people. Here at home I have a lot of memories and a lot of great friends whom I have shared years and years of my life with, but the fact remains that there is only so much connection that I can make with these people considering that I only spend about 4 months of the year here (and most of that is spent working). Even then, things at home have changed so much over the past 2 years since I've went to college that I think I can barely even label it home anymore.

This disconnect really, really bothers me. Loneliness really bothers me, and it's something that I think I've carried around my entire life. Last night as the wedding reception was coming to a close, I looked across the room and saw Ami and C.J. together... again, a very bittersweet moment. It made me really happy inside to see them with each other, but it also made me very sad because I knew that things would never be the same. When I finally retired for the evening, I laid in my bed and my mind was racing because at that moment I made this grand realization that I am so disconnected from everyone in my life right now. In a way, I feel that I have no one, and that is an extremely scary and unpleasant feeling. It's a feeling that I carried with me today on the ride all the way back home to Columbus.

But after thinking and praying about this, I've come to a few conclusions. Number one is that I am loved. Obviously, I am loved by God... we all are. But beyond that, I have a lot of people around me that love me. I have people at school like Michael, Marissa, Vicki, Brandon, Lindsay, Katie, Brad, Jeff, and Tyler (in addition to Ami and C.J.) who really care about me. Here at home I've got Marshall, Brent, David, Justin Olson, Bill, the Danec family, Nate, Ciara, Amanda, Jason, and my family. Sometimes I think I fall into the trap of thinking that these people don't care.

Secondly, I've concluded that a lot of the reason why I am not connected lies with myself. Being truly connected with people requires that you don't hold back, but that you share. If I am honest with myself, I do not share much of my life with anyone at all. There are a lot of thoughts, feelings, and desires that I keep completely hidden from everyone around me. I think a lot of this hinges on a really faulty understanding of my own self-worth. God believes that as persons, we have infinite value and worth. Somewhere along the line, though, I bought into this myth that I don't matter. At some point I decided that how I think and feel doesn't mean anything. This is all simply untrue. What I think and believe does mean something because I am a person created in God's own image. I have worth and importance. It isn't selfish of me to on occassion demand that people spend time with me, listen to how I'm feeling or doing, and acutally care. This is the way that it's supposed to be.

Yet, if I do not share, people never have the opportunity. Sharing is difficult. Bearing your soul is not easy. But after thought, prayer, and deliberation, I really believe that God is teaching me that I need to fill my life with more conversations about stuff that is of true emotional, spiritual, and mental importance to me, and less about shallow things. This is not going to be easy. But I really truly believe that as Christians, God wants us to bear one another's burdens. This means that we must share these burdens with others, instead of always choosing to bear them ourselves.

This all is very intimidating and difficult to me. However, no one ever said that this would be easy. Phillipians 1:6 gives me hope to cling to this idea that God isn't done with me. Instead, he is always working, and he will not leave me unfinished. Instead, he wants me to become a whole person, filled with peace in place of depression; hope instead of despair; true community in the face of loneliness.

And God willing, may that happen.

Until next time.