I get in these moods... I say that I start thinking a lot, but really, that ends up being a code word for "I'm getting depressed." Half the time I don't even really understand what triggers it, or why I feel this way. Maybe I have guy PMS. But there just seems to be a lot of issues floating around on my mind and in my heart.
I work tomorrow from 11 to 4. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. It's a Saturday. I'll be bombarded with constant demands and requests from pushy, cheap customers. My boss will probably be pressuring me to open up a GapCard for someone, as if my worth as a person depended on it. My shift will be full of menial tasks like folding clothes, arguing with customers over the price of items, and overall, just learning to cope with rude personality quirks of customers.
I think that I'm really burnt out right now. I need a break from my job. I need some time to do nothing... just to be. But that time isn't coming anytime soon. I'm working every day from Saturday through Wednesday, and then early in the morning on Thursday, I'll be taking off for my best friends' wedding in Illinois. After that's over, I'll be coming back to this lovely world of mine... full of hours spent at a job that I don't really like right now, and full of stress, loneliness, and just disappointment in this thing that I call my life right now.
After work I'll be heading over to church to lead a praise team practice. I just don't really have that in me right now. I used to love doing it so much, but now doing praise team just fills me with worry and with stress. What if someone doesn't show up? What if something goes wrong? I don't have the energy to even really focus or concentrate on it right now, and I'm not really sure why. It's just not as fulfilling now as it once was, and I don't really understand why.
I just want to not be alone. It's amazing how you can be surrounded by so many people that call you "friend," yet feel so desperately and utterly alone. I strive so much to give and be the best friend to everyone that I possibly can be. Yet, this never seems to be given back to me in return. And the fact is, I don't really fit in anywhere. I'm not a cool jock-type person like Justin. I'm not in the whole group with Ciara and Amanda. I'm not really a cool college kid like Brent, and I'm not married like Jason and Andrea or C.J. and Ami. I'm not even close to dating or seeing anyone, so I'm resigned to always being the 3rd wheel, and that's a role that I got tired of playing a long time ago.
I'm tired of being the puzzle piece that doesn't really fit anywhere. I want to find my home.
I'm sure that a lot of this is just emotion speaking, but I know deep down that a lot of it isn't, either. And knowing myself, I'll end up doing what I always do... stuffing it deep down inside where I don't have to deal with it or (heaven forbid) let anyone see it. I believe that life is meant to be lived in community, but the sad and true fact is that when the crap hits the fan, I'm left standing in a community of one: me.
A lot of times I find myself so desperately longing to not be single anymore. And yeah, while all the stuff that goes along with dating someone is great, I think for me, it's more this knowledge of knowing that I am not alone. No matter what, I have someone who cares for me and supports me and will be willing to talk to me about what's bothering me and what's on my mind. I'll finally have at least one place where I fit. And sure enough, I project this magical ideal onto every person that I meet, and they always fall short. Let's face it; that's a lot of responsibility for someone to carry.
Rejection is such an ugly thing to carry. I've been on the receiving end of that more than enough times, and every time, it gets more and more difficult. But even worse is this knowledge that each time, I think a little layer is added on. It gets a little more difficult to love, for love requires vulnerability. And let's face it; rejection and vulnerability are two things that don't go together.
I remember a few months ago I was helping my friends C.J. and Ami move into their new apartment. It was the end of the school year, and I had been working on moving a lot of my stuff out too. I was tired. Yet, I still went over to their place because I love them, but also because they finally had a place of their own. Moving in was kinda symbolic of them starting their new life together. C.J. had a meeting at work, and so Ami and I went out to dinner together.
Recently, I'd went out with a girl from school on a date, and I thought it went really well. We both had a great time. But each day it was becoming more and more apparent that she didn't like me as anything more than a friend... the story of my life. Ami asked me to share about what was going on with that whole relationship, and so I did. And the thing was that it wasn't so much that this particular relationship didn't work out; it was simply the pain of having yet another thing tossed onto my garbage pile of rejection.
Tears were starting to fall from my eyes as I shared with Ami how frustrated I was. I told her how sick and tired I was of being just friends with everyone. I wanted more. Dare I say that I deserve more. I told Ami that I was beginning to get to the point where I was ready to give up on love altogether. Everytime I get burned, and it seems like each time is even more painful than the last. Why even try?
I'm sure that Ami saw my pain, though I tried to mask it as best as I could. And she told me simply that that is what makes me beautiful. In the face of rejection, I continue trying. Plenty of people give up on love, and that is so difficult to see. They err on one of two extremes: either they shut themselves off from everyone completely, or they begin to use others as a pawn in their little game. They strive simply for physical stuff that has the outward appearance of love, but yet never makes a connection in the heart. She told me to keep trying, keep hoping, and above all, to never stop loving.
1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love never fails. I have to confess that at this point in my life, I'm struggling to believe that. But I read something that echoed what Ami had to say the other day, and I must say that it really struck me:
Maybe you're in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them or you are never going to heal.
The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.
A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.
And so I guess that somewhere deep down inside, I'm going to dig up the strength to love again, despite my failures, despite my rejection, and despite my greatest fears. Jason has already taken the steps to fix me up with Bethani... maybe I'll talk to him about that after all.
This entry was so depressing, yet I feel a lot better. If you read it, hats off to you.
Until next time.
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