Crazy Love, Chapter 2: You Might Not Finish This Chapter

We are all going to die.

Not exactly a really great way to start off a blog entry.

But folks, no matter how hard you try to hide from it, that's the truth. One day, we are all going to say goodbye to this earth, to the friends and family we know, and slip off into eternity. Death rate always has and always will be 100%. That's just a fact.

In today's reading, I was hit with a couple of things. The first is simply that we need to make our lives count. Francis said, "Many people just waste their lives." That's the truth.

As I prayed about that this evening, at first I felt pretty good about myself. I'm not wasting my life. I'm a pastor/pastoral studies student at a Bible college. I'm investing my life into doing God's work and into pouring into the lives of people, helping them further their relationship with Christ. That's a good thing. I'm doing well in this area, right?

But then I looked to my left. And to my right. I've got these gargantuan piles of clothes here. And all of a sudden, I realized that I needed to rethink whether or not I'm really investing my life into things that count. Sure, I am definitely doing that with my profession and career choice, but I've still got tons of room for growth. I spend so much of my time needing the coolest and best looking clothes, the nicest, neatest techno gadgets, or even just having tons of music (half of which I don't listen to) or movies or whatever. I don't think there's anything wrong with having these things, but I think if I'm honest I have a ton of excess that I simply don't need. Is that stuff that really matters?

The second thing I was sort of impacted by was the whole idea that when we worry and when we stress, we are holding a very prideful attitude. It's just dressed in different clothing. God clearly tells us that it is not our job to be worried or anxious about anything. Take a look at Philippians 4:4-9. Or Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:25-34. When I worry, and when I get anxious, I am essentially saying that God's Word does not apply in this situation; that I am somehow above the law and command of the Almighty Creator.

In the words of Chris Rock in Head of State, "That ain't right!"

After last night's reading and then today's, it should be pretty clear by now that we, as humans, are pretty small in comparison to God. God certainly values and loves each one of us, and each life is important, but in the whole scheme of things, we've each got our brief second of life. I, for one, want to make it count. I pray that God will continue to show me the ways in which I need to start investing in eternity, and doing stuff that truly makes a difference. I pray (gulp) that God will humble me and continue to show me how small and insignificant I am, but how great and powerful He is.

Crazy Love, Chapter 1 : Stop Praying.

So I, like just about every other twenty-something Christian in the United States, have decided to start reading Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. Everyone's been telling me what a freaking awesome book it is, so I figure, why not? So, I'm going to blog through the book. I'd love your feedback and discussion. In fact, I welcome it. I'm going to try to do my best at sharing my thoughts on what Chan writes and I dunno... see where it takes us. So, without further ado, chapter one: "Stop Praying."

Big confession time: I really struggle with worship sometimes.

That wouldn't sound so bad if it weren't the fact that I was a Bible college student.

Who majors in Worship Ministries.

Who is a worship minister, and soon to be a worship intern with a church near Chicago.

Yep. Not good.

I don't know exactly why. I think there are a few reasons. Number one, I just really struggle to focus on God. Especially on stage. I have one of those minds that's not really ADD, but I'm just always going through about 6 billion things at once, remembering to write to this person or to turn this paperwork in or to finish that assignment. And when I'm not making mental "to-do" lists, I'm double or triple checking them.

I think the other main reason I really struggle to worship God is simply because of the very nature of the relationship. I know that God has reached down into space and time through Jesus, and I could not be more convinced that God plays an intimate, loving, and caring role in each of our lives. Yet, still, I struggle with this idea of me connecting with or to God, who is so wholly different and just "other" than I am. I can't help but always feel that He's way out there, and I'm just kind of here. I know that's not true. I know He's here and that God cares. But knowing something and the way you feel don't always match up unfortunately.

Chapter 1 kind of calls me to think that maybe the reason I struggle to worship God so much deals directly with the simple fact that I don't properly and adequately understand how amazing God is and how small and insignificant that I am. If you didn't take the chance to watch the "Awe Factor" video on crazylovebook.com, you are totally missing something. I don't know that I really responded to that video in a really emotional way, but it's just something that makes you think about how small we are and how big God actually is.

Francis (and yes, I will refer to him by his first name... I practically raised his kids. And we chill on the weekends. And we're accountability partners. Okay, none of that is true at all, but I will still call him by first name.) had this Tozer quote in the book that talked about how what we believe and think when we hear the word, the name "God" is the most important thing about us. When I stopped and asked myself what I think of when I hear "God," this is what I got:

• God is very, very big.
• God is kind of impersonal and hard to relate to (even though I know God is very personal! Interesting the paradox we can live in sometimes, isn't it?)
• God is loving.
• God is there, and I am here.

Not exactly an awe-filling description. But if I'm honest, those are some of the main images that come to mind. And that's sad. Really sad. What does that say about me as a person who claims to be a follower of God? Not very much.

I kind of took a different look, though, on Revelation 4. I was really amused by the fact that Francis notes that when John describes God, he doesn't do so by talking about these physical features. For whatever reason, when I think of God on his throne, I think of a man. Yet, John doesn't compare God to any normal man. How does John describe God? By talking about jewelry. God is like an emerald, a sapphire, or the finest of rubies. He is that glowing and that radiant. He is that special.

I have never been confused for a beautiful piece of jewelry, no matter how hard I try.

And then, when John goes on to describe the elders (who must be pretty big stuff, seeing as how they have a permanent seat in God's throne room), he just says that they are dressed in white and wearing gold crowns. No doubt they are pretty cool, but when compared to God... yawn. Nothing special. That was really cool to me too. As was the idea of a lion-esque creature covered in eyes. Kind of creepy, actually.

And as I sort of unpacked everything at the end of the chapter, the other main truth I was forced to come face-to-face with is that as big and as awesome as God is, I am equally tiny, small, and insignificant. The question, "Who are you to tell God how to run His universe?" was very convicting to me. Mostly because I think I am pretty big stuff.

I try to be humble. I try to be selfless. But if I am honest, there are many times when my agenda, what I want, is placed high above everything else. There are a lot of things I've done in my life because they were what I wanted to do, or because they pleased me. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I do a pretty piss-poor job of focusing my life around God, His interests, and His glory.

Society and culture are very individual. There's a mindset that it's really all about what works for me. We are each told to pursue what we want. There's even the popular "whatever works" idea, where basically you believe and do what you want. What's right for you might not be right for another, etc. That's highly individual. That really places each of us on a pretty high pedestal in our own minds. But the grandure and greatness of God beckons us to understand that in the scheme of things, we are nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. But in the same vein, the God who is infinitely large and so amazing seeks out us, the poor and insignificant ones.

I keep praying that God will fill me with awe and wonder at the very mention or thought of Him, and also that God will shake me to the core with the truth of how small, insignificant, and unimportant I am. Maybe that will teach me to live the humble, selfless life that God desires. But likewise, I am also praying that God will teach me all over again, the awesome truth that He, the Almighty sovereign Creator of the universe, reaches out to little, tiny old me. Because if that truth gripped me at the core, in my heart... whoo boy there's no telling how my life would change.

Maybe if I took Francis' advice and simply stopped babbling on and on and actually took a look and took the time to stop and think, I might finally come to an understanding of who God really is. Maybe then, I would truly understand how big God is, how small I am, and how amazing Christ's love for me.

Chains.

So, I'm writing from here at CIY in Grantham, PA.

Yes, I did just see 4 butt naked high schoolers run down the hallway. It's all good.

Gang warfare between our guys and the guys from the other church living on our floor? Yep, seen it... actually, it's happening now. It's all good.

But seriously, it's been a fun, yet intimidating trip. I'm not going with Southwest, but with Madison, my home church in Columbus. We have a very young (and very new) group this year. Being gone from a place for about 8 or 9 months means some new faces and new kids. I haven't been super involved in their lives, so that's sort of intimidating too. I'm leading a D-Group and I have a panic attack about 15 minutes before each session.

It's all good.

But it really has been a good week so far. Greg Frazee is bringing the heat with worship, and speakers have been great. Eric and Nathan are here from CCU, so it's been really good to see them. And I'm hoping that there's a budding romance between myself and an intern from Ozark... good times.

But today's theme focused on the whole enslavement/freedom concept, as illustrated in the book of Exodus in the initial Passover feast. I guess I have just a few things to share from that.

Number one, I think it's really important to observe that the Passover takes place after 430 years of slavery on the part of the Israelites. God had been seemingly absent for a long time. It wasn't that the people weren't crying out... the Bible outlines that they were in the beginning of Exodus. God heard the cries. I have some real doubts and concerns about all of that... why did it take God 430 years? That's a long time to leave people crying out. That really troubles me. But I also concede that God has a unique timing and certainly there was a reason. These people were broken down, but God heard their cry and did something about it.

But secondly, the people were enslaved. This was something difficult. All day, we've been wearing these two wristbands with sins we struggle with written on the undersides of them. Tonight, we were given an extra wristband, and we had to tie together our hands. Literally, the entire 2 hours of the evening session, we were chained by these wristbands.

It was really humbling for me to think that this is what my sin does to me. I've been incredibly blessed in my life to never really struggle with a lot of issues that I've seen destroy other people's lives like porn, masturbation, pre-marital sex, suicide/depression, alcoholism, drug use, etc. I thank God for his mercy and grace with that.

Yet I still sin. My sins carry names like apathy.

Judgment.

Impurity.

Debt.

These are more socially-accepted sins within the confines of the church. I guess that's good in a way, because that means I can talk openly a little easier than can others about their sin, but it's also a bad thing. It's easy to lose the impact that this sin has on me. I go around carrying this sin, never really realizing how much it entangles and ensnares me.

But tonight, I didn't have that option. I couldn't cross my arms. I couldn't fiddle with my shirt or my jeans I was wearing. I couldn't really raise my hands during worship. I couldn't take notes during the sermon. I could barely even open and read my Bible during the sermon.

These "chains;" this enslavement was having a real effect on me. That was the point.

Sin has a real effect on us, even when we don't realize it. In fact, that's probably the scariest part: we don't realize it. Today, I had to come to grips with the humbling realization that even though my sins might not be scandalous or horrible in my eyes, they're still sins. They still affect me. There is a real enslavement happening here.

Of course, through the cross, Christ sets us free. His grace forgives my sin and offers me 2nd, 3rd, and 39,248,098th chances. Yet, I think that it's still important every now and then to observe that we are sinners, and that a man (no, more than a man) had to give his life on my behalf because of them.

In the story of Exodus, when God showed up, he showed up big time. Surely, he has the power to do the same today. Surely, he can still break the chains of apathy, judgement, impurity, and debt that bind me.