Big confession time: I really struggle with worship sometimes.
That wouldn't sound so bad if it weren't the fact that I was a Bible college student.
Who majors in Worship Ministries.
Who is a worship minister, and soon to be a worship intern with a church near Chicago.
Yep. Not good.
I don't know exactly why. I think there are a few reasons. Number one, I just really struggle to focus on God. Especially on stage. I have one of those minds that's not really ADD, but I'm just always going through about 6 billion things at once, remembering to write to this person or to turn this paperwork in or to finish that assignment. And when I'm not making mental "to-do" lists, I'm double or triple checking them.
I think the other main reason I really struggle to worship God is simply because of the very nature of the relationship. I know that God has reached down into space and time through Jesus, and I could not be more convinced that God plays an intimate, loving, and caring role in each of our lives. Yet, still, I struggle with this idea of me connecting with or to God, who is so wholly different and just "other" than I am. I can't help but always feel that He's way out there, and I'm just kind of here. I know that's not true. I know He's here and that God cares. But knowing something and the way you feel don't always match up unfortunately.
Chapter 1 kind of calls me to think that maybe the reason I struggle to worship God so much deals directly with the simple fact that I don't properly and adequately understand how amazing God is and how small and insignificant that I am. If you didn't take the chance to watch the "Awe Factor" video on crazylovebook.com, you are totally missing something. I don't know that I really responded to that video in a really emotional way, but it's just something that makes you think about how small we are and how big God actually is.
Francis (and yes, I will refer to him by his first name... I practically raised his kids. And we chill on the weekends. And we're accountability partners. Okay, none of that is true at all, but I will still call him by first name.) had this Tozer quote in the book that talked about how what we believe and think when we hear the word, the name "God" is the most important thing about us. When I stopped and asked myself what I think of when I hear "God," this is what I got:
- God is very, very big.
- God is kind of impersonal and hard to relate to (even though I know God is very personal! Interesting the paradox we can live in sometimes, isn't it?)
- God is loving.
- God is there, and I am here.
I kind of took a different look, though, on Revelation 4. I was really amused by the fact that Francis notes that when John describes God, he doesn't do so by talking about these physical features. For whatever reason, when I think of God on his throne, I think of a man. Yet, John doesn't compare God to any normal man. How does John describe God? By talking about jewelry. God is like an emerald, a sapphire, or the finest of rubies. He is that glowing and that radiant. He is that special.
I have never been confused for a beautiful piece of jewelry, no matter how hard I try.
And then, when John goes on to describe the elders (who must be pretty big stuff, seeing as how they have a permanent seat in God's throne room), he just says that they are dressed in white and wearing gold crowns. No doubt they are pretty cool, but when compared to God... yawn. Nothing special. That was really cool to me too. As was the idea of a lion-esque creature covered in eyes. Kind of creepy, actually.
And as I sort of unpacked everything at the end of the chapter, the other main truth I was forced to come face-to-face with is that as big and as awesome as God is, I am equally tiny, small, and insignificant. The question, "Who are you to tell God how to run His universe?" was very convicting to me. Mostly because I think I am pretty big stuff.
I try to be humble. I try to be selfless. But if I am honest, there are many times when my agenda, what I want, is placed high above everything else. There are a lot of things I've done in my life because they were what I wanted to do, or because they pleased me. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I do a pretty piss-poor job of focusing my life around God, His interests, and His glory.
Society and culture are very individual. There's a mindset that it's really all about what works for me. We are each told to pursue what we want. There's even the popular "whatever works" idea, where basically you believe and do what you want. What's right for you might not be right for another, etc. That's highly individual. That really places each of us on a pretty high pedestal in our own minds. But the grandure and greatness of God beckons us to understand that in the scheme of things, we are nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. But in the same vein, the God who is infinitely large and so amazing seeks out us, the poor and insignificant ones.
I keep praying that God will fill me with awe and wonder at the very mention or thought of Him, and also that God will shake me to the core with the truth of how small, insignificant, and unimportant I am. Maybe that will teach me to live the humble, selfless life that God desires. But likewise, I am also praying that God will teach me all over again, the awesome truth that He, the Almighty sovereign Creator of the universe, reaches out to little, tiny old me. Because if that truth gripped me at the core, in my heart... whoo boy there's no telling how my life would change.
Maybe if I took Francis' advice and simply stopped babbling on and on and actually took a look and took the time to stop and think, I might finally come to an understanding of who God really is. Maybe then, I would truly understand how big God is, how small I am, and how amazing Christ's love for me.
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