Resolutions.

So, at this time of year, there is generally a lot of talk about New Year's Resolutions. What are you going to do differently in 2009 as compared to 2008?

Now, I'm generally not one for resolutions. I don't even remember making any over the past couple of years. That being said, though, I think there's something to be said for a new year being a new start and a new chance for change.

And so this year, I think my main resolution is to be more decisive and assertive and to take more risks. I think that I have fallen into the trap of letting so many things simply go by. I want to do so much with my life and I want to be happy, but most of the time I'm just too much of a chicken or too spineless to take the initiative and make things happen. Sometimes being happy requires taking risks; that's not something I'm very good at either. So, this year, I feel I need to be willing to take more risks and be more assertive in getting some things that I want and that I deserve.

We'll see how it goes!

Fine Wine.

I've recently begun reading the book "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller.

I love his writing, but that's beside the point.

In discussing his desire for a faith driven by systems and formulas, Miller states that unfortunately, this type of Christian faith doesn't exist. In all reality, our faith is driven by relationships and experiences with God and others. Our faith isn't something that can be broken down into a few easy steps.

And in commenting on this, Miller shares a deep truth on this reality that faith can never be driven by formulas:

"Reality is like a fine wine. It will not appeal to children."

It's Time to Move.

Seriously.

Sometimes I go to my profile, click on a random band or book that I like, and look through people on here who share similar interests. No one lives in Ohio.

And all of a sudden, I got this urge to move. To go somewhere else.

Maybe I'll move to Portland or Seattle. Or somewhere in California. Or maybe one of the kinda cool, artsy midwestern cities like KC, Tulsa, or OKC.

I want a lot more out of life than this silly, Ohio experience filled with flat land, cornfields, and fundamentalist billboards. Maybe after I finish up college I should move far away.

I've always kind of thought about that.

In a way, that'd be really exciting, and kind of cool, though certainly intimidating. Maybe.

I always kind of had this impression that when God pushes you out of your comfort zone, it had to be something that you would hate. Something you'd never want to do in any way, shape, or form. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's possible that something I want to do outside of my comfort zone is something God wants me to do too.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Finals season is over.

I am sitting in my living room in my own home in Columbus, OH.

All is well :)

Pray II

Oh my gosh finals season is here.

Today was my tough day. I had a 5 page paper due today as a final for one of my classes. I was definitely psyched when I turned it in and my prof told me he disagreed with my thesis.

Well, there's always next time.

I also had a recital performance today, my most difficult final, and I had to take a guitar proficiency, which is really intimidating because like 5 teachers are all looking at you, waiting to see your every mistake.

And then I took a nap. Oh it was wonderful.

But through the course of my day, I opened up to 1 Samuel. Earlier this week, I was talking with one of our elders at church, and he was sharing about how he had started to read some of the Old Testament in the Message version of the Bible. He expressed how surprised he was at how interesting it was. He's in either 1 or 2 Samuel right now, and so I guess that sort of inspired me to open up to 1 Samuel and go through it myself.

Anyway, the book opens up with the story of Hannah. She was this awesome lady who was married to a man named Elkanah, who loved her dearly. The problem? Hannah had no children while Elkanah's other wife, Peninnah, had several sons and daughters. Peninnah would ferociously taunt Hannah for her barrenness, making Hannah feel just awful. This all goes without saying that in this culture, children were a sign of blessing. Thus, to be childless basically meant that you were not blessed by God.

Hannah felt pretty crappy.

Every year it was the same story. Hannah would make the trip up to the temple with Peninnah and Elkanah to offer sacrifices. Eventually the sorrow became too much for Hannah to bear. She refused to eat. She was deeply hurt.

So Hannah prayed.

And I love what Hannah says about how she prayed:

"I've been praying from the depth of my anguish and resentment," (1 samuel 1:16).

Apparently she was praying so deeply and in so much anguish that the priest Eli thought she was drunk.

The story goes on, with Hannah being blessed by Eli, and eventually she does conceive and has a son. In keeping with a vow she made to the Lord, Hannah gives this child to Eli to be raised in the temple as the Lord's very own. This boy would grow up to be the great judge, Samuel.

But I want to go back to Hannah's prayer for a moment.

Anguish? Resentment?

Not two words we associate with prayer.

Hannah was praying from deep down, where it hurts.

With emotion.

With passion.

She was angry. She was hurt. She resented God. She resented her rival, Peninnah. She resented how everything seemed to be working out for everyone else, while she followed God and never received any such blessing.

I identify with that, but I don't always turn to prayer like Hannah did.

I generally turn away in those times.

I could stand to learn a lot from Hannah.

I need to learn how to pray when it hurts.

I need to learn to pray from the depth of anguish and resentment.

Wanted...

So I've finally succumbed to the pressure of my female friends and I made one of these stupid lists. I'm so sorry to everyone reading this. I promise I'm not some emo teenager that wastes all of his time thinking about girls or having a girlfriend or whatever. But, I guess this is something good to consider.

My Qualifications for a Girl

1. Christian. I think this one goes without saying. Hard to be a minister without a Christian spouse.

2. Attractive. Again, goes without saying. You want to think she's pretty.

3. A developed personal sense of style. I promise this isn't shallow as it sounds. But for me, there's just something about a girl who has taken the time to really develop her own, unique, beautiful style. It doesn't have to resemble my own, of course. I think it's just something that expresses a person's individuality, and I find that really appealing.

4. Music. I want to share a similar taste in music with my wife. I want us to be able to go to concerts together and just enjoy talking about music and listening to music and overall sharing that as an interest. Music is a huge part of my life and I want it to be a big part of hers, too.

5. Chemistry. This one's important. You know how you meet someone and you just automatically are able to play off of each other? You offset each other well? That's the kind of thing I want to happen with my wife. I've decided that there are 3 types of couples: fighters, squabblers, and then the couples that don't really fight. I'm not a person who likes confrontation. Maybe that's a weakness of mine. But I want to be a couple that doesn't fight... we're people who don't let the little things in life bother us. That's how we roll. Not that we'll never fight, but there are some people that make that a way of life. Not for me. Overall, I just want to get along with my wife really well. I want us to laugh and enjoy life together.

6. Intelligent. There is absolutely nothing better to me than an intelligent woman. Now, there are some people who are intelligent in a really cocky, standoffish way. That's not the kind of intelligent person I want to be with. But there is something incredibly sexy to me about a woman who is intelligent and well-informed, with her own independent ideas and ways of thinking.

7. Interesting. I think that it's important that you're with someone who's really interesting. I want to be with my wife and know that even when we are old, that I will still be learning more about her and her life experiences. I still want to be able to listen to her stories.

8. A best friend. Finally, I want to be with my best friend in the whole world. I want to be with a person who is my best friend in the whole world. I want to be able to share my life with her. I want to be able to talk about what's on my mind, and she'll listen. I want to be with someone where I enjoy every second that I spend with them. I think the great thing about best friends is that you don't have to spend every waking moment with them to prove your friendship. With best friends, that relationship is understood. I think the same here. Yes, of course I want to spend tons of time with her. But we understand each other's need for space and don't feel obligated to be one of those couples that spends every waking moment with each other. I want to fall in love with my best friend.

I suppose there are a ton of other things that could be on there, but I think those are the things that are really important to me. That's what I care about. We can talk about other "negotiables," but the above 8 things are things that are pretty set in stone for me. Take it or leave it. Maybe I'll be single forever. Or maybe not...

pray.

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective," (james 5:16).

For the longest time, this verse confused me.

It wasn't so much what it did say; I certainly believe that prayer is a powerful mechanism for change in the world.

To me, the confusing part is what it doesn't say.

What about unrighteous people? Are their prayers heard by God? Are they heard by God, but maybe not as much as those of more righteous people? Is it that God cares about the prayers of the righteous a little more? And who defines what is righteous anyway? I believe in Jesus wholeheartedly, but I wouldn't always classify myself as a righteous person. Does that mean that sometimes my prayers are powerful and effective and sometimes they are not?

Today, I heard an interesting take on James 5:16, and I've got to share it somewhere.

What if the powerfulness and effectiveness of prayer doesn't necessarily lie in who we're praying to, but simply who's praying?

As Christians, we believe in a God who is constantly working. He is continually looking for ways to bring people to himself. He's looking for ways to reconcile creation to him. He's striving to bring the world together under the banner of Christ. God wants to make our world a a better place. God wants to end social injustice and stop oppression. He wants to save people who are in trouble and those who are unfairly persecuted.

Aren't righteous people simply those people who are trying to join in with that mission?

Aren't the righteous people just those who spend their lives accomplishing the agenda of God?

When we pray, we connect ourselves with the same power who created the universe, and the same power that works in people's lives today. We are communicating with God our lives, and in some supernatural way we are connected not just with God, but in a strange, yet divine way with the things and people we are praying for.

Think about it: Aren't you sometimes the answer to your own prayer?

It doesn't make any sense to pray for God to bless those doing mission work around the world if you aren't doing anything yourself to help. It doesn't make sense to pray for those who will go to bed hungry tonight if you yourself have tons of resources but aren't working to share those with the more needy people of the world.

We have a great deal of control over what happens in our lives.

It's one thing to pray for God to do something great.

It's a totally different thing to ask God to guide and bless you as you do something great.

Maybe, ultimately, what James 5:16 is saying is not that the prayer of righteous people is effective just because it is a righteous person saying the prayer. I'm beginning to think that ultimately, James 5:16 is telling us that when we couple prayer with action, amazing things happen, because we aren't just sitting idly by, hoping for something to happen. Instead, we are joining forces with God and working to enact change in the world.

I hope that we all come to understand just how powerful prayer is.

But even more so, I hope that we all come to understand just how effective prayer is when it is coupled with our action in the world.

My Day Today

It rained today. I was very happy about that. There's just something about rain that makes me feel, well, cozy, I suppose.

Today, I suppose I spent my day doing a few things. I went to a staff meeting at church this morning, and then I participated in a speech contest. I didn't advance out of my group, though. That was really disappointing, given that I gave my best speech of the year. Oh well. Class, dinner, laundry, and then some homework time, and now I'm here in my room getting ready to go to bed soon.

I hate days like today where I don't really make a connection with anyone. It's days like today that make me wish I didn't live alone. I guess you have those from time to time though.

I also spent some time today thinking about her. I doubt she spent any thinking about me.

Sorry this sounds so depressing. I promise I'm not super depressed or anything right now.

Finally, on a totally unrelated note, I thought this was cool:

Faith.

So today I've been doing quite a bit of work on my final project for a class that I'm taking on the Psalms.

I wish I could say that the class has been extremely interesting, but it hasn't. My final project is to compose 15 pages worth of sermons on the Psalter. A preacher, I am not, but I guess I'm looking at it as an opportunity to write... or something like that.

But today I have almost finished one of my sermons. It's on the lament psalms... the psalms that cry out to God and ask for him to stand up and take action in the life of the writer. These have always been the psalms that really interested me. Number one, because I think that I can relate to that writing better than any other writing in the Bible. I mean, it doesn't take a whole lot to relate to themes of pain, abandonment, and emotional distress. I think that we've all been there before. Those themes are ones that run their course through each human heart.

But one thing I think I've come to develop a deeper appreciation for while I've been working on this project today is how the Psalms are so intensely personal. They express a faith that isn't very common in churches anymore. Psalm 13 begins with the writer saying, "God, how long will you forget me?" Psalm 22 begins with the writer asking God if he's going to forsake him and leave him to rot forever, or if he'll ever get up and do something.

That's not language you hear in churches anymore.

But I think that is the true language of faith.

Western Christianity has developed this idea that faith is something neat and tidy that fits into a nicely wrapped little box. We don't have problems, and if we do, they end up being glossed over into a new hit worship song by Chris Tomlin or David Crowder. I don't feel that many churches give people the freedom to truly express the anguish that they feel in their soul when bad things happen.

When they hear the word "cancer."

When a child dies.

When he walks out on her.

Even more so, churches don't give freedom to people to express their pain when it comes for no other reason than that they feel like God is distant and far off. That's oftentimes the most difficult pain to deal with, because there's seemingly no reason for it. It's not like there's a concrete physical circumstance that's looming overhead.

And heaven forbid that we not look spiritual by having everything put together.

But I am a firm believer that faith is messy. We don't serve a God of the cleaned up and put together. We serve a God who deals directly with pain and pained individuals. That's what our faith is all about.

When I think of faith, I think of Job. He had everything taken from him: his family, his possessions, and even his friends turned their back on him. He had nothing, and God seemed non-existent. Yet, in the midst of this, Job somehow held onto his faith until easier times came.

When I think of faith, I think of Habakkuk. He was a prophet who didn't understand why those who did evil prospered while those who did what was right always seemed to fall. It just didn't make sense. It still doesn't. As you read the book of Habakkuk, you get this sense of a man who is coming to God in deep pain. Habakkuk questions the justice of God. How could he allow such things to happen?

Heck, even Jesus demonstrated some messy faith on the cross as he questioned why God forsake him, quoting Psalm 22 in Matthew 27.

When I think of faith, I think of all the people who have ever had the courage to question God and weren't ashamed of it. I think of people who were brave enough to talk about how things don't always make sense, how following God doesn't always lead to happy endings, and how sometimes bad things really do happen to good people for no real reason at all.

When I think of faith, I think of those who aren't afraid to dive into the dirt, grime, and muck of what it means to wrestle with God. What it means to wrestle with faith.

In the Old Testament, God's chosen people were called "Israel."

What does "Israel" mean?

"He who wrestles with God."

To be one of God's chosen people means to wrestle with God. To ask the difficult questions. To go beyond Wednesday night worship services and Sunday school answers. To be one of God's chosen people means to embrace that sometimes faith is very messy and that sometimes things don't make sense.

To embrace faith is to understand that we hold the hand of the God who made it all, and to trust that somehow he is working things together in a way that we can't understand.

I want to embrace a messy faith. Will you?

Life... From Where I Stand.

So much is happening.

I'm sitting here, and looking back at the beginning of the semester, thinking of how much things have changed. It's really funny how you think that things will work out one way, and then how God totally changes your plans.

I started this semester working practically full-time at Gap; around 20-25 hours a week, plus my 19 credit hours of classes, so that's kind of crazy. However, by the grace of God, I was given a great job working at a great church in the Dayton area. I was really beginning to wonder if this whole ministry thing was for me, and I think that my job now has really grown me as a worship leader, as a minister, and just as a person. I've been forced outside of my comfort zone in a few different ways, and that has led to great growth for me.

I've also seen some relationships develop as well. I'm still amazed at the way that I get along with my parents. We had a few awkward years where our relationship was sort of transitioning from parents to friends. But now, I think our relationship is better than ever. I'm beginning to feel the freedom to open up to my parents and share with them what's happening and what's on my mind. I'm even just amazed at myself; I remember walking into school last year and feeling so "in between;" I was in a real transition phase with my life and I didn't really know what to do.

I've seen my relationship with both of my friends Ami and C.J. develop. I am very thankful for them each day, and while I do not see them as often anymore, I have been thankful to see my relationship with them develop. It's also been great to see their relationship with each other to develop as a married couple. I've also formed some stronger friendships with other people. My friend Mikaila who goes to Xavier has become a good friend of mine, and I pray that God continues to develop our friendship with each other more in the future. I've also become better friends with people here on campus like Stephen, and I've even befriended a few new students here at CCU like Josh T., Josh C., Sarah Brown, Alec, Eddie, Eric, Crystal, Mackenzie and the like. This all goes without mentioning my newfound friends at Southwest; people like Scott and Sherry, Deb O'Keefe, Boomer and Lara, the Garlands, etc.

As I look ahead to the future, I'm excited about what lies ahead. Here at school, I've taken a position as Campus Worship Minister, overseeing all activities related to worship at chapel, and even being the primary instructor for a few of the worship classes at CCU. I'm receiving a 12 hour scholarship, which is also pretty awesome. At Southwest, the church continues to grow, and I feel absolutely sure in saying that I have nothing to do with it; it is all a God thing. I pray that he continues to grow our church as we continue on in 2009.

I am still single. That's a battle I fight every day. I really admire people like my friend Brent who embrace that. I wish I could be like him, but I'm not. That's just not how I'm wired I guess. However, I do feel that in the past year I have made some significant growth as a person. Relationships and commitments don't scare me anymore, assuming that it's with the right person. For the first time in a long time I don't feel that I would compromise on the things that I want in another person just to be in a relationship. While I'm still waiting and still going through my share of heartache and hardship, I do feel like a healthier person in this aspect this year, and that's something to be excited about I suppose.

Most of all, though, I pray that God makes me a purer, more loving person. I think that I echo the words of David in Psalm 51 when I ask for God to create in me a clean heart.