On Cincinnati.

There's just something for me about going back to an old place where I once was.

This weekend I've been given the opportunity to come back to Cincinnati, to visit with some old friends, and to remember some great memories. I was headed to a party with some friends tonight, but on my way, I took some time to drive up and down the roads here a little bit... to remember conversations and friend time at the local Applebees, to think about some funny memories with my buddies Michael and C.J. in our apartment, or even just remembering driving up and down Glenway as I head to and from work.

I think of my college memories and a lot of feelings and emotions go back. As I look back, I wish that I'd been more bold. I wish I would have taken more risks. I wish I would have prioritized some things more and cared about other things less. I wish I would have taken the time to truly invest in relationships with my friends. But I know that looking back that those mistakes show to some degree my own personal growth in the past few years (heck, months), and I'm also thankful for all the good things that I did or that happened to me over the college years that have made me into the man I am today.

Overall, super thankful to have a chance to come and visit. And super thankful to be a part of the story of God, and the story that He's writing in my life. I'm praying that I'll continue to grow, change, and make the right decisions as I continue in that journey.

Making Decisions.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm really on the verge of some super big, super important, super nerve-wracking, and at times, super exciting changes in my life.

It's just hard to imagine that 5 years ago, I was a junior in high school. My hugest life concerns were finishing Spanish homework and getting my driver's license. Now at 21, life feels very different. I'm all of a sudden making decisions about what's after school, thinking of potential job offers, thinking about a potential relationship in my life, and contemplating what kind of car, house, and home decor I will purchase when I one day move into a place of my own. What city will I even want to live in?

It all feels so weird. And I think that what makes me even more nervous is the simple fact that in a lot of it, I feel like God is really quiet. That's not to say he's absent (though unfortunately, my life doesn't always make nearly enough room for God), but simply that he's very, very quiet. Maybe even not speaking at the moment. For big, huge, important decisions, I want God to be really, really loud. I want him to shout instructions at me.

But that's not how it happens. In reality, I pray about something and then fearfully, cautiously, take the next step, and just hope and pray that it's what God wants. Sometimes I get it right. But sometimes I get it wrong. That's really scary to me. I want to minimize risk, minimize the chance of a mess, as much as possible. But that's not how it works.

I guess I'm more writing here to share my life than I am to make a point. I ask all of you, what do you do when struggling with important decisions in your life? How do you hear God's voice? How do you discern your own next steps? That's the conflict I'm experiencing right now.

Some Trust...

I might call it something like "my security" or "what's on my heart," but my dear friends at the Fray know what I really mean. What I really mean to say is "this is what I'm trusting in."

And a lot of the time it's not the stuff it should be.

A powerful piece of songwriting that's been working its way through my heart lately.

Grace.

So I apologize for the lack of entries on here lately, as we've been having some internet problems at the house. But now, faithful readers, I am back, and probably just as amazingly super cool as ever.

I've been thinking a lot about grace lately.

I had the opportunity on Wednesday to carve out a few hours in my schedule to do my own little personal solitude retreat, and I think it was pretty awesome. I wasn't sure how I would like it before I started, but by the time it was over, I felt so spiritually refreshed and renewed. It was great.

In that time, I got the chance to pray for a while, but I also took some time to read the Bible. I finished all of Galatians and also some of Ephesians. I was struck while reading how both of those books really have a theme throughout them that as a Christ follower, I am saved not by anything I do or have done, but by God's grace. In essence, I am given salvation because God saw fit to give a gift to me. Nowhere is that clearer than in Ephesians 2:1-9, which is a passage that's really been working its way around in my mind and heart lately.

For a long time I was a person who suffered from the misconception of the "works gospel." I was one of those people that was always trying, always working, always striving to do the best and greatest things, not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to in order to make God love me. I won't lie; I'm still not always sold that God loves me regardless of what I do, but I know that's true. I know that God doesn't judge me on my latest performance; he judges my heart.

But in my time alone with God, I made a realization about myself. I recognized that lately, in my life, I'm suffering from a lot of pride issues. God takes a very strong anti-pride stance in the Bible, so I guess that's something I should definitely work on. But in essence, for whatever reason, I feel like lately in my life I've been walking around, feeling like I'm always right and feeling like I have all the answers, and as such, feeling like I'm better than a lot of folks (as shameful as that is to say). Ephesians 2:1-9 woke me up to the realization that I am just like everyone else. I am saved by God's gift of grace alone, just like the pastor of the mega church down the road, and just like the bum or the prostitute on the corner. When I act like I'm big and important all the time (if that was a spiritual gift, I would be awesome at that), I refuse to recognize that I need God's grace just as much as the next person.

And if that isn't the biggest lie since ever, I don't know what is.

Thank you, God, for grace. May I realize just how much I really need it.

Worlds Are Colliding...

(Just wrote this post for the Suncrest Cultivate blog at www.suncrestcultivating.blogspot.com on Wednesday. I was actually pretty proud of it and think I'll post it here too...)

So I just finished watching a delightful season 7 episode of Seinfeld here on my computer.

Now, for those of you who are not Seinfeld fans (I think the technical term is "heathens." Okay, just kidding), the central character in the show is a guy named Jerry, and he hangs out with his best friends, Elaine, Kramer, and George. Unfortunately for George, he's in a bit of a problem. You see, George's fiancee is not really part of his group of friends, so George has developed a bit of a split personality problem. Around his friends Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer, George acts a certain way and calls this person "Independent George." Around his fiancee, though, George acts another way and calls this person "Relationship George." Problems erupt for George when one of his close friends, Elaine, decides to become friends with his fiancee, Susan. Now, George will inevitably find himself in a social situation with both his group of friends and his fiancee. This, in George's mind, will lead only to his destruction. Take a look...

It might sound kind of dumb to you, but I think that a lot of us do the same exact thing in our relationship with God. We have a tendency to live two lives in our relationship with God. I know that I oftentimes act like one person on the outside, but on the inside, I am knee-deep in stuff like sexual sin, greed, bitterness, hate, and all those other not-so-great things. Yet while I'm struggling big time, I'll try to sweep it under the rug. I've got "Relationship Wes" I bring out around God and on Sunday mornings, and then I've got "Independent Wes," who secretly lives this other life when no one is looking.

You see, God isn't impressed by our acting, no matter how big or small it might be. God wants us to be honest and truthful about ourselves, about our junk, about everything. He might not be satisfied with our sin, but I believe that our relationship with God is a lot better off when we quit trying to hide our junk and come clean. Just think of the story of King David in 2 Samuel 11. David had sex with a married woman while her husband was away at war, and she conceived. So what does David do? Instead of coming clean, he tries to get this woman's husband to sleep with her so everyone will think the child was his (thank goodness Maury Povich didn't have a show back in those days). But alas, David's attempts don't work. Eventually, he arranges for this woman's husband to be killed in battle, and then marries her (a common practice to protect widows in those days), so that everyone will think David and his new wife Bathsheba conceived a child in wedlock and that everything is fine and dandy. David was secretly living two lives, but thought he was going to get away with it.

But while everyone else was fooled, God was not. In 2 Samuel 12, the prophet Nathan receives a message from God and approaches David, accusing him of this grievous sin. David had been found out.

Just like George, his worlds were colliding.

Eventually, after many events transpired, David wrote Psalm 51 as a song asking for forgiveness from God, coming clean of his double-life. I think that in a lot of ways, we need to do the same. When we act like a different person before God, we never win. To paraphrase Numbers 32:23, our worlds will always end up colliding. It never ends pretty.

So this Wednesday as I write, I just want to ask you, are you living a double life? Is it time to come clean with God, with others, and with (most importantly) yourself?

wb

The After Sunday Recap: October 11

This Sunday, we unpacked the idea of giftedness, and how God has equipped each of us to serve. God has given us a gift; we must use it to help out Christ's body, the church, as well as further the kingdom of God as a whole. While we may feel our own gifts are insignificant or different, today we unpacked the simple fact that the Holy Spirit has given each of us a gift for a specific purpose.

For me, I think that the most important verse we examined today was 1 Peter 4:10. We are directly commanded to use whatever gifts we have to serve others. I think that for me, part of this also means that I have a responsibility to discover what my gifts are (perhaps even those I don't notice, that are lying underneath the service) so that I can use them in some way to advance the gospel message. I also think it's interesting when Peter says that by using our gifts to serve, we are faithfully administering God's grace in all of its forms. When I share my gift with others, I am directly participating in the sharing of God's grace. I think that's pretty cool.

So I think that after today, we're left with a few simple questions:

• What are my gifts?
• How can I use those for service?

For me, I think a real gift of mine is music, and in fact, because I sense that giftedness, I decided to become a pastor so that I could use that gift in order to serve God. Maybe your gift is administration. Maybe it's leading other people. Maybe it's even something that we would (unfortunately) classify as something ordinary, like the gifts spoken of in Romans 12. Each gift is important. And each gift can be used by us to glorify and serve God (and others) in some way. We just have to have the discipline to figure out how.

Holy Spirit.

So a few weeks ago I watched some video teaching online from Cornerstone Church where Francis Chan (aka my man crush) preaches. He just released a new book called The Forgotten God which is, from my understanding, supposed to be all about the Holy Spirit. I think that's an interesting title, because in a lot of ways that's true. I'm pretty sure that every church I've ever went to has had a good theology or understanding of the Holy Spirit (if you're reading between the lines, you're probably catching that only my theology of the Holy Spirit is the right one. Way to go. Hope you're enjoying the sarcasm here). They either ignore him completely or they totally warp his ministry and objective in this world.

But I was watching the first part of this seven part teaching on the Holy Spirit from Cornerstone, and there's one element that even about a month later that is still rolling around in my head and in my heart, and that is simply this:

Do we grasp that life with the Holy Spirit is better than life with Jesus on the earth?

When I first heard that statement, I really had to do a mental double-take. That just doesn't sound right. Life is always better with Jesus, right? I'm still wrestling with this concept, but I'm discovering that maybe I had overlooked something really important about the Holy Spirit. In John 16:7, Jesus tells the disciples it's actually good for him to be leaving them, because if he didn't leave them, then the Holy Spirit ("the Counselor") will not come to them. I'm not saying that having Jesus on this world wouldn't be great, but according to the Scriptures, it seems like Jesus thinks the Holy Spirit is a pretty big deal... that the Holy Spirit will help us grow as Christ followers maybe even more than Jesus himself would. I'm still really wrestling with that last statement.

We are told in Scripture that those who are a part of God's Kingdom have the Holy Spirit living inside of them. God is living inside of me. And yet, I just walk around without even thinking about it. God lives inside of me. That is pretty stinking cool. It's an awesome reason to worship. I'm praying for a bigger, better, more complete understanding of that truth, that I may truly understand the power of God in me, and the power of the Holy Spirit to profoundly change my life, maybe in an even bigger way than if Jesus were still walking the earth this minute.

Chosen.

I think that sometimes there is nothing scarier in the world than simply being chosen.

We probably don't think of it that way a lot of the time, but that's sort of how it goes. In school, no kid wanted to be the one picked by the teacher to answer a question or read or whatever. At work, it can be sort of scary when your boss chooses you to work on a special project and is really counting on you to do something. Yeah, it's great they have that faith in you, but at the same time, that's a lot of responsibility that you may or may not feel up for. Star athletes face this all the time; I think of all the pressure that must lie on the shoulders of a guy like LeBron James, who has been declared the "chosen one" to bring a championship back to Cleveland. It's nice to be respected, but being chosen comes with responsibility. And that can be scary.

A lot of the time, I think that I'd rather go through life unnoticed. Yeah, you might miss out on some cool stuff, but you also miss out on the deathly experience of being the one who disappoints. Being chosen means that people are watching me. They are waiting on me. They are expecting me to do something. The reward can be high, but so can the potential to totally fail.

Tonight at the suggestion of my dear friend Ryan Trisler, a guy I really respect, I began reading the book of Jeremiah. Ryan's reasoning was that there's something compelling about watching a guy who really wrestles with his own insecurities and has to be told again and again to do God's work. And the book essentially begins with God telling Jeremiah, "I've chosen you."

That's a pretty high calling straight from the God of the universe. I get nervous when folks at church entrust me with bigger responsibilities. I can only imagine the feeling Jeremiah got when he received that calling from the Alpha and Omega. Jeremiah's initial response is simply, "I can't," to which God roared back by essentially saying, "Don't tell me what you can and can't do. I made you, and I made you for this." It takes Jeremiah a little bit to get there, and he wrestles back and forth, but he accepts the call and he moves on it.

I am starting to realize that for the God of the universe, impossible doesn't exist. God doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't" (Luke 1:37, Philippians 4:13). That can be incredibly liberating and also incredibly scary; you simply can't cop out on something when God stands with you.

In John 15:16, Jesus says to his disciples that "you did not choose me; I chose you." Just like Jeremiah, God has chosen me to (in my own unique way) produce fruit. That's an incredible responsibility. But as a Christ follower, I essentially have two choices: I can run from that calling and waste my life like the wicked servant, or I can embrace it and believe that just like with Jeremiah, God is right beside me, guiding, leading, and helping me all the way, even if I don't always see it.

Even though it's scary to me at times, God has chosen me. And I have a responsibility to do something.

The After Sunday Recap: October 4

Yesterday was a big day for our church as we kicked off our fall Contribute-emphasis series, called "Servolution." Part of the DNA our our church (and I believe the church universal) is simply that we should be people marked by our service. Service is a crux of what Jesus taught while here on the earth, and it should be a part of the lives of people who claim to be followers of Christ.

That's something that I can really get behind. And to be honest, I think it's something that just about everyone can get behind. It's good to help others. I don't know that there are too many people on the earth who would disagree with that statement. Yet moving from a simple assent to the statement "we should serve" to actually serving is a totally different thing.

I know it is for me. At CCU, we have a requirement each semester that we need to serve 15 hours somewhere, and to be completely honest, it's a real struggle for me sometimes. Serving takes time... valuable time out of our packed schedules. It takes effort and energy. It requires me to stop always focusing on myself and my desires, and instead to focus on others and how I can help them. This Sunday, we talked a lot at Suncrest about having our heart become "enlarged" so that we will quit saying things like, "I'd like to serve, but..." and actually just start serving.

We identified three basic barriers to us serving:

1. My heart is separated from the need.
2. The need is separated from my life.
3. My life is disconnected from Jesus.

For me, I think the really telling one is #2. I see needs all around me. I know that there are people living in war-torn countries who are homeless and have no idea where their next meal is going to come from, yet what have I done to help out? I know that there are lonely people in nursing homes, our people making difficult decisions at a pregnancy center, yet what am I doing to truly reach out to these people? I know that there are people living on the streets of our cities who just want someone to love on them, invest and believe in them, and show them they are worth something, yet have I done anything to help them? The answer to all of those questions is a resounding "no." James 2:14-16 reminds me that I may care about all of these situations deeply, but unless I am doing something about it, my feelings mean nothing.

Jesus himself said that He came to this world not to be served, but to serve. I think that should be reason and motivation enough for me to contribute, for me to serve, for me to selflessly put others' lives ahead of my own. This week I was reminded that part of truly following Jesus means that I am going to get off my "but" and serve the world that Jesus gave his life to save.

(You can view the 10.04.09 sermon, "Get Off Your 'But'" here.)

Crazy Faith.

So lately, I've been reading this book entitled "Know Why You Believe" by Paul Little for a Suncrest Christian Church leadership track assignment. It's basically a book entitled to sort of go through different parts of the Christian faith and talk about rational reasons why we can believe in them. I think there's a lot of worth in books like this, mostly because I think that a lot of people don't understand that there really are some good, rational reasons to believe in the message of the Bible.

But there's also this other part of me that seems to come out when I read books like this that just tries to find loopholes in every bit of reasoning, each idea, all that stuff. I'm discovering that at my core, I can be a pretty skeptical person at times. I'm also discovering that I'm one of those people who leaves no stone unturned; I try to look at stuff from all the different angles that I can. I guess faith is no different. As I read, I can feel part of my mind just doing it's own skeptical thing: "Yeah, you say that, but maybe this happened instead," that sort of thing.

I think that's kind of a weird thing about me, and certainly not necessarily a bad thing (though it can be at times). I think it's really healthy to question and probe and even doubt faith at times. It makes us stronger. Well-rounded. It also puts us in a place where many other believers and pre-believers alike find themselves. But I think another thing it reminds me of is sometimes just how crazy this stuff we believe in is.

Don't misunderstand me; I believe in Jesus and I believe in the authority of Scripture as God's Word and all that stuff. But I think that we as Christians have this unhealthy tendency to just cruise along and forget how mystical and magical some of the stuff we believe really is:

A virgin being with child?

A man who shows up out of nowhere doing miracles and teaching people as they have never been taught before?

People being healed from their lifelong diseases and infirmities?

A guy who dies and then comes back to life three days later?

Folks, these aren't everyday occurences. Yet I think as Christ followers we often just get tunnel-vision and kind of shrug our shoulders and go, "Man, I don't understand how people can't believe in this stuff!" I'm not in any way saying the Bible is any less real, or that these crazy, magical events didn't happen. I'm just saying that it's not everyday people have children without sex, or that people rise from the dead. Maybe if we carried that consideration into the way we shared Christ with the culture and world around us, we might find more success. For some, faith in all of this comes very naturally. But for many, it doesn't. I think that as Christ followers if we truly believe we carry the Truth in what we believe, we won't be scared to embrace others fears, doubts, and questions.

I think it's a good idea to take a step back and realize the radical nature of God's story, Jesus' teaching, and simply the nature of what we believe to be true. It might have an incredible impact on the way that we share Christ with other people.

Consumed.

Well, today here at Suncrest we wrapped up a 2-week series on what/how we worship called "Consumed." Today, my dear friend/mentor Bobby preached a message entitled "Audience of One," and I walked away with a few thoughts for further consideration.

Today centered around Psalm 63. We heard it once before the message, once during the message, and said it together after the message. The psalm was written with a lot of passion; David writes that he earnestly seeks after God, like a man who is parched in a desert with no water. That's some pretty desperate, longing, intense imagery. He writes that God's love for him is better than life, and that when he lies awake on his bed at night, he still thinks about God.

This psalm paints the picture of a love that is intense. David really does love the Lord, big time. And as I listened and read that psalm today, I had to ask myself the question, "Does that accurately describe me?" I do feel spiritually parched quite often. I long for God, but not enough to take any action, unlike David, which is a problem. I think that if I'm honest, I probably don't spend enough time searching after God, desiring to know Him. There are a lot of nights where I lie in bed thinking about all I have to do tomorrow, or how I hate that I need to get up so early, or whatever, but I'm certainly not thinking about my relationship with God. I know and trust that God's love is better than life, but do my actions demonstrate that I really believe that? If I truly believed that to love and be loved by God was the greatest thing ever, I would probably be chasing after a whole lot of different things than I am right now.

The other thing I walked away with today was that worship always costs something. This is something I know, but was also something that I really needed to be reminded of, and definitely something that I need to practice better. In the Bible, the first use of the word "worship" comes in Genesis 22:5, with Abraham. God tests Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his only son. Abraham is prepared to do so, understanding fully that worshipping God was going to cost him something.

A lot of something, in fact.

In 2 Samuel 24, David has just engaged in the evil act of pride, and God is now punishing Israel as a result of David's unjust actions. Yet, in the midst of the calamity, God had mercy on Israel and put a stop to His punishment. Out of thankfulness and gratitude, David built an altar at the home of a guy named Araunah, for that is where God's punishment stopped. Araunah wants to give David all the stuff (the land, the supplies, the altar) for free since he is the king, but David refuses. His reason? He will not give to the Lord something that costs him nothing.

I hate the fact that worship requires sacrifice. I understand why it does, and that makes sense to me. But I hate the fact that my loving God always requires sacrifice, because, simply put, sacrifice is tough. Being a follower of Christ means that I sacrifice living a certain, sinful kind of lifestyle. Worshipping God means that even when I feel like stuff in my life is going crappy, that I have to suck it up and worship God anyway, because He alone is worthy and deserving.

A song I've been thinking about a lot recently is a song by Hillsong called "For Who You Are." The whole chorus of the song is simply the words, "I will worship You for who You are," which I think is right on. My worship of God should not be contingent on things going well in my life, on me being in a good mood, or me even feeling like it. My worship solely hinges on the fact that God alone is worthy and deserving. No matter what happens in my life, nothing can change the fact that God is truth, love, justice, beauty, grace, forgiveness, joy, and goodness in their purest forms.

And nothing can change the fact that about 2,000 years ago, God died so that I didn't have to face death in eternity. No matter what my mood is, that should always call me to worship.

So to wrap up, today we were asked to compose our own psalm to God as a next step. Here's mine:

Lord, I love You.

Even when I do a crappy job of showing it, I still love You.

Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness:

For the times when I am apathetic,

When I chase after things other than You,

And when I am just plain lazy and lukewarm in the way I live.

You deserve better; You deserve my best.

Lord, help me to love You.

Help me to desire You, more than anything.

You alone are true happiness, joy, and life.

I believe that. Please help me to live that.

And give me the wisdom and courage to know when I am not.

I want to have an intimate, passionate relationship with You.

As scary as it is to me, I surrender my life to You,

Believing that where You take me is where I need to go.

Lord, thank you for Your mercy and grace

For how You offer them to me every single day,

Regardless of the ways I messed up the day before,

Never growing weary, but always giving me a new, fresh chance.

Help me to extend that grace to others.

And help me to truly love You, deep from my heart.

What I Learned from Reading Crazy Love.

So I finally finished "Crazy Love" yesterday.

And now I'm sort of left with the question, "What happens next?"

There is no doubt that this book has convicted me profoundly; probably more so than any book that I've ever read. But I'd just really hate to finish this book, walk away, and then do nothing. After all, the entire point of the book (to me, at least) is that our love for the God who has saved us should prompt us to take action and live the true Christian life; a life that goes far above and beyond the call in its desire to love, give, and serve.

As I read chapter 9 and the stories of people who did or are doing incredible things to further the kingdom of God, I left feeling really overwhelmed on a few fronts. Number one, I just can't imagine a life like that. It's scary, and even to me, a person who believes we need to trust and give God all we have and are, seems pretty crazy. But it also left me feeling overwhelmed in the sense that I just felt like I could never do this. "There's just no way this can happen," I continued to say in my heart. I was defeating myself before I even began.

And that's when I believe that the Holy Spirit spoke to me and reminded me that that's the point. I can't do it. Only He can. I believe that as a Christian, God is going to continue transforming me and changing my life. He has opened my eyes to many of the ways in which I am failing him through this selfish, self-centered, self-serving faith that I am living. Now He calls me to do something about it, trusting that along the journey, He is going to mold and shape me and change my heart, mind, and lifestyle into being one that gives even more glory and honor to Him.

So how am I going to change? Number one, I'm going to pray that God would help me to love Him. That was a prayer mentioned by Francis at some point in the book, and it's one that I've started praying since. And though I've only been doing that about a week or so, I believe that I'm already seeing some fruit from that and that I'm seeing the beginnings of God's transformation on my heart, and that excites me. God tells us that without love, our service means nothing, so it all has to start here.

Secondly, I'm praying for God to have all of me, and to use me and spend me for His purposes, whatever that means. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I think that I sort of fall into that category of people Francis talks about who are honestly satisfied with the amount of God they already have... God occupies a segment of our lives so that we can claim to be Christ-followers and just go about living life. I don't want to be that person. In the most loving way possible, while I believe those people are certainly loved and saved by God, I think that is a terrible substitute for the true Christian life. As much as it scares me to pray for God to have all of me, I'm going to pray it anyway and see what happens. To do anything less wouldn't be living up to the fullest extent of the plan that God has laid out for me.

I'm also going to make a strong commitment to give more. I already tithe 10%, but I am very convicted that I need to be giving more than that (just a personal conviction; please don't think I'm saying everyone has to do this), embodying the generosity that God has shown to me in Christ. So I've decided that each month, in addition to my church offering, I'm going to offer up an extra portion of my income to help the poor, the oppressed, the sick, and the hungry across the earth. Does that make sense given my lack of income right now? No. Does it scare me? You bet. But God does ask us to test Him in this matter, and I, for one, am anxious to see how He provides.

I know I need to serve somewhere, but I'm not really sure where my heart lies yet. Maybe in homeless ministry? Maybe helping single parents and/or broken families? Maybe helping out those suffering from addiction? There's a lady at our church who is actively involved in ministry to incarcerated individuals and their families... I'm sort of intrigued about that as well. This is what scares me the most, because in a lot of ways I think I treasure my time above everything else. But this is part of what I feel all of us as Christians are called to do... to serve and help others in need and distress, regardless of how difficult or uncomfortable it is.

Guys, I need your prayers as I embark on this journey. But I am trusting that God is going to do some amazing things as I continue to let Him lead me, no matter how scary it may seem.

What did "Crazy Love" teach me? It taught me to adopt a model for my life of loving, serving, and giving because that is what God so generously did with us.

wb

P.S.: On a totally unrelated note, our lead pastor at Suncrest (church I am interning at in NW Indiana) preached a really great message on the priority of sex yesterday. However, what really struck me was the opening 7-8 minutes of his message, where he focused on the priority of singles (since people who are both Christians and unmarried hopefully are not having sex), and it was really something that I was touched by and could empathize with. Listen to the August 23 message called "Priority" at http://bit.ly/plFcu.

Crazy Love, Chapter 8: Profile of the Obsessed.

I think that for me, this chapter mostly just solidified themes that I had already been thinking as a result of reading this book. In fact, in a lot of ways, it's simply the content of chapters 5 and 6 rephrased in a different way.

And I think that there are just a few overall things that really stuck out to me in reading.

First off is simply the idea that following Jesus is radical. I think that there are a lot of people (myself included) who would gladly agree with that statement, but do not recognize the incredible impact that it has on their individual lives at all. If Jesus is a radical revolutionary and I am a follower of Jesus, doesn't that necessarily mean that in some way I need to be radical too?

As I read this book (and this chapter in particular), I'm just overwhelmed with this feeling that none of it makes sense. It makes perfect sense in principle, but for a person to live this way is simply puzzling. It makes no sense to us. It certainly makes no sense to the world, and I don't really think it's supposed to. This is a type of lifestyle that is made possible only by the incredible indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit.

When I was growing up in middle school and high school, I probably heard countless sermons and/or lessons in youth group about living a life that makes people ask the question, "Why?" I've lived a pretty nice little Christian life. But a nice little Christian life isn't the one that makes people ask you why. A big, audacious, seemingly crazy and nonsensical life is the one that does that.

It's really tempting to look at the apostles, at missionaries like Barnabas and/or Silas and think that they simply practiced Christianity to the max. But I have no doubt that other, less esteemed or notable members of the early church did that too. What if the early church wasn't practicing this amazingly dedicated Christianity (though it would certainly be accurate to describe it that way)?

What if that's really the only kind of Christianity?

It sounded cool and trendy and countercultural when just Jesus was radical. When we make a correlation between Jesus and ourselves as followers of Jesus, the words we might use instead are ones like

weird.

challenging.

difficult.

dumb.

not for me.

It's funny how that outlook changes.

Which I think transitions me perfectly into my next observation: following Jesus is hard. I think I talked about this last night, but I want to hammer it home here, too. There's simply no "if's," "and's," or "but's." Following Christ is difficult. It requires surrender of all we have: our time, our talents and abilities, our money and possessions, and our love of comfort and self-interest.

Reading "Crazy Love" has made me realize that as a Christian, I kissed goodbye to an easy life a long time ago. If I want to live a life that truly encompasses all of what God teaches and all of what Christ stood for, I've got to do tough things. I've got to give sacrificially. I have to love people who don't like me and/or would rather have nothing to do with me. I have to purposefully and intentionally engage in relationships with people outside my little social sphere and bring the light of the gospel into their lives.

That is a difficult life, but it is the one that God calls each Christ follower to.

And that brings me to my final point, which is simply that all of this is overwhelming. As I prayed after reading this chapter, I kept coming back to God saying how crazy it feels to even think about living a life like this, and how impossible the task of being transformed into a person who lives like this seems. And that's when I kept coming back to the fact that that is the role of the Holy Spirit.

I've written on here before (and I still believe with all of my heart) that I play a big role in my transformation. God will do and has done everything necessary to allow me to follow Him fully and completely. Yet, I still have to make those choices.

I had to choose to believe.

I had to choose to follow.

I had to choose to trust.

And the moment I make those decisions, God will be there for me in a nanosecond. When I make big decisions, God immediately comes alongside and nurtures me, grows me, and transforms me in a way that I believe only He can.

So when I look at this life and feel overwhelmed, I sort of get the sense that God is saying, "Yeah, that's the point. It's not about what you can do; it's simply about you making the initial choice. When you decide to get started, I'll be there. I'll do all the work that you think is impossible. Heck, that word's not in my vocabulary."

This is a life so big that only God could make it happen, and that's the point.

And as I keep praying for God to help me to love Him truly and completely, the motivation to live a life like this will almost magically appear too. That's incredible.

So God, use all of me for Your glory. Make me obsessed... for You.

Crazy Love, Chapter 7: Your Best Life... Later.

So at church this Sunday during one of our services, I was sitting in my office and I took "Crazy Love" out of my bag and started to read, when one of our worship band members, Beka, came up to me and asked me how I liked the book.

I wish I could've seen my reaction.

I kind of shrugged my shoulders and explained that I know that reading this book is good for me, but dang, it is difficult sometimes. It is so compelling and convicting; I hate it, yet I know that it is the only way for me to experience true spiritual growth.

And this is one of those chapters where Francis Chan just kicks me in the teeth.

Let's start with the simple question: What are you doing right now in your life that requires faith?

When I watched the chapter video to intro this chapter, I was feeling pretty good about myself. After all, I just moved to northwest Indiana a few weeks ago to take a ministry internship position where I know nobody, will be making very little money to support myself, and will be well past the comfort zone of family and friends. I recognize humbly that in many ways, that was nice-sized faith step for me. However, eventually it becomes a little less frightening as you find your way and get your feet under you. Yet, nevertheless, I was really tempted to use this internship as my go-to excuse to avoid any unnecessary conviction.

But if I'm honest, there's not a whole lot of stuff in my life where I'd say I am really just going by faith, giving it all to God. Through my 21 years, I can't really think of too many specific times where I set my own fears aside to embrace the terror of simply trusting God and believing that He has my best interests in mind and will do incredibly more than I could ever hope for.

Chances are that probably a lot of us are in that boat together.

Now hang onto that thought for a second and let me tell you a little about another theme in my life lately: God's faithfulness. It all started back in July. I was at CIY and for whatever reason, I was checking this blog and what do you know, I had received a comment from my dear friend Anne (who, by the way is an incredible young Christian woman and is way smarter, wiser, gracious, and loving than I am). She said some various things, but ended her comment with the simple statement: "Remember, Wes, He is faithful."

He is faithful.

It was so simple, yet so profound. "Faithful" is one of those Jesus words that I toss around a lot, but for the first time, I really thought about what it meant to say that God was faithful, and that was something that sort of stuck with me.

Well, not too soon after I purchased this daily readings Bible where Scripture is grouped into a day reading where you do a few OT chapters and 1 NT chapter a day, followed by some questions for thought. I started using this tool and it began me in Genesis and John. In Genesis, I was continually blown away by God's faithfulness. First you have God making a promise to Abraham that He will give him a son. Even though Abraham screws it up by sleeping with his wife's maid, God gives Abraham a son anyway, because God has promised that and God is always true to His promise.

Later on, Abraham sends his servant to the land of Aram to find a wife for Abraham's son Isaac. When the servant gets to Aram, he sits down to pray for God to show him a sign. And what do you know, before he even finished praying, God provided the very sign he was looking for.

In the story of Jacob in Genesis, we see him tricking everyone around him. First, he refuses to give his starving brother food unless he sells him his rights as firstborn. Later on, he dresses up like his brother and steals a blessing from his father that rightfully belonged to his brother. Yet, as the now-recognized firstborn, God had made a promise to Jacob. And even though Jacob was at points a terrible person, God was still faithful to him anyway, giving him the woman of his dreams, an incredible amount of possessions, and the pride of bringing forth the 12 tribes of Israel. From the story of Jacob, I learn that even when I don't deserve it, God is still faithful to me.

I don't think there's any getting around the simple fact that following Jesus is hard. Very hard. That's probably why many people quit following Jesus after He taught some difficult kingdom truths in John 6:66 (someone once noted to me the irony of this verse being 666). There's just no avoiding that God condemned His people in the Old Testament for refusing to give and to help, and that there is a similar precedent in the New Testament. In the story of the rich young ruler, in Luke 18:18-23, Jesus simply says that this seemingly devout follower lacks one thing; that is the giving away of his possessions for the betterment of the poor among them.

I think it's really interesting that in many cases, the people whom Jesus was speaking to about giving were not people who were rich. After reading this chapter I decided to do a little background research on Jesus' command to give to the poor in Luke 12:33, and the resource I was using mentioned that in many cases, people whom Jesus was speaking to about not worrying about possessions often had only one, maybe two sets of clothes period. Many of these people were living off very little, and it would only take one wrong turn or one bad thing to happen, and many of these families would be destitute. To me, this says that I can't use the "oh I'm just a poor college kid on internship" excuse before God. He didn't soften this teaching up for these people who are undoubtedly poorer than I am.

This, of course, isn't to say that God doesn't love you if you don't give or anything like that. Hardly the case... God's incredible love and grace for each of us goes beyond all human understanding. All I'm saying is that I believe that Jesus didn't come and teach we are entitled to a comfortable life; on the contrary, I think he teaches us to live an incredibly radical one. I give 10% to church. But I feel very convicted that for me at least, 10% frankly isn't very sacrificial giving. If I want to truly step out in faith and live a radical lifestyle for me, that's going to mean anteing up some more dollars to spend on some extremely worthy causes.

If you're like me, here are a few that you could look at:

• www.invisiblechildren.com. This is a favorite at CCU; this organization works to rescue children from becoming brainwashed child soldiers in the war-torn country of Uganda.
• www.one.org. The One organization simply seeks to end global poverty.
• www.ijm.org. International Justice Mission is an organization that seeks to end all forms of human slavery and/or trafficking, placing these people in a safe place where they can finally work and earn a real living instead of being mercilessly abused by others. What's also cool is that IJM actually works to also prosecute and hold responsible those who are abusing others, hopefully bringing this system of oppression and injustice crashing to the ground.
• www.onemillioncan.org. One Million Can is an organization founded by Passion, and it's essentially a site that has links to like 8 potential causes around the world that you can support; anything from providing life-changing medical procedures and surgeries for children in 3rd world countries to providing Bibles or recordings of the New Testament for people in countries where that isn't allowed to giving clean water to people in Africa.

Those are just 4 examples... I'm sure you can find many more. For me, this is the way God is calling me to step out, take a risk, and trust Him, knowing He will (gulp) be faithful. Maybe for you that's simply being more vocal about your faith at work. Maybe that's committing some time to volunteer somewhere. Maybe that's stepping into a ministry position at church. I don't know what it is that you need to take a risk and trust God in, but I hope that you do it, because God is faithful.

It's time we take the crazy love God has shown us and demonstrate that to someone else.

Crazy Love, Chapter 6: When You're In Love

Where's chapter 5, you may be asking yourself? Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to write that one yet.

But still, we press on.

This chapter really hits home for me, mostly because I think this issue of loving God has been a struggle at the center of my entire Christian life. You can say "I love Jesus" all that you want, but if the motivation isn't there, it simply isn't there.

I really struggle with loving God wholeheartedly and for the right reasons. I think I've shared on here before that I don't think I've ever really experienced what it means to be "in love" with another person, and that kind of frustrates me because I don't really have much of a barometer to go off of in my relationship with God. People tell me that "when you're in love, you'll know." Well, I'm not sure that I know, so I guess that means I haven't really experienced that... and biggest of all, that means I haven't experienced love with God.

I am definitely committed to being and living as a Christian, I think. (haha note the irony there? Well done, Wesley. Well done.) I mean, I've been baptized. I don't miss church; heck, I've committed my life to serving in ministry. I go to a Bible college, and I major in Biblical Studies. I give 10% of my paycheck each week in the offering plate. I try to let the teachings of the Bible shape the way I live my life and interact with others. I don't say this to brag, but just to state some facts.

Yet, is it possible that despite all of this that I am just missing the point?

I really wish to be engulfed in a relationship with God the resembles the one Francis Chan describes with his wife's grandmother. I really wish that that was me, were I just love spending time in prayer, reading Scripture, simply sitting back and worshipping, all that stuff.

But I think that if I'm really honest, I look at a lot of Christian spirituality as simply one big chore. I want all of the grace and forgiveness without much of the effort. I make a pretty good effort at the facade of a Christian life, but there's very little heart behind it. If all my faith does is fill a Sunday morning time slot, stop me from having sex before marriage and keep me from cussing and getting drunk all the time, then that's a pretty sorry belief system. I want a faith that transforms and changes me completely, and I'm not sure that I'm seeing that.

I'm kind of coming face-to-face with the idea that transformation doesn't just happen. Transformation won't happen in my life without my fair share of effort. For instance, I am hideously overweight, and for a long time I think I just kind of thought that would magically change without me actually changing for some reason. Yet, now I realize that change doesn't happen unless I make a change. Thus, this summer began my big running experiment.

The same goes with the Christian faith. I won't see my life transformed and changed unless I'm willing to take the initiative to make some change and transformation myself. That requires hard work like praying when I'm tired, making time to read God's Word each day, and worshipping even (especially!) when I don't feel like it.

But the great news is that God is more than willing to meet us halfway. I'm right on with Francis Chan in believing that we need God's help to love Him that much. I'm a sinful human, and I am incapable of loving anyone beautifully, truly, and completely. God will help me along in that process if I simply (persistently) ask Him. I think we just need to understand that it's not some magic process where I wave the wand of prayer and I'm magically transformed from Wesley Blackburn into Mother Teresa. There is real work involved.

So what have we put in the way of loving God? I've put a lot of stuff in the way.

• Spending hours of my day daydreaming about being in love with whatever girl I'm crushing on (probably only happens like 3000x a day).
• Spending my money on acquiring the newest clothes, gadgets, music, whatever.
• Placing a higher priority on spending time with friends over spending time with God.

None of these are bad things in and of themselves, but they become terrible when they are prioritized ahead of God. Remember the God we learned about in chapter 1? That God is way cooler, way bigger, way more important, and way more worthy of our worship than any other thing on that list above (or any of our lists, really).

Lord, help me to love You. Help me to be lost in a genuine love and affection for You. Help me to love spending every minute with You, and may I enjoy as close a relationship with You as humanly possible. May I not just read about examples of that relationship; God I want to experience that relationship. As scary as it is, Lord, I offer my entire life to You. I am surrendered to You. Lord, may I know You better and fall more in love with You each day.

Amen.

Crazy Love, Chapter 4: Profile of the Lukewarm

So to be perfectly honest, I looked forward to reading this chapter about as much as I would probably look forward to a root canal... or amputation.

But because of my desire to complete this book (or maybe just because I'm stupid), I kept reading anyway. And sure enough, it was rough going.

Over the past year especially, God has been opening up my eyes to an understanding that the Christian faith involves tough stuff. First off, Christian spirituality is tough stuff. There's the whole don't have sex before you're married thing, followed by the don't get drunk with all your friends thing, only to be followed by the whole you need to have intensely personal faith conversations with people who don't know Jesus thing.

And that doesn't even account for the whole love others and turn the other cheek thing.

But secondly, being a Christian involves becoming like Christ. And Christ was persecuted. He suffered. He was even crucified.

And we are called to do the same...?

I don't like the fact that I serve a God who commands me to die at the altar of self so that I can live a life that promotes the interests of others, that helps those who don't have a voice, that gives care and compassion to the people I feel deserve it the least. I wish Christianity was cooler and more trendy and popular. I wish that I was part of a faith where when I mention it I draw smiles off of people's faces and not scowls. I wish I didn't have to feel like there's the humongous elephant in the room of homosexuality or drinking or sex or you name it when I'm trying to make new friends who might not happen to be Christians. But that's a part of faith. That's a part of being a Christian... embracing stuff that's usually unpopular and that often makes your life harder, not easier.

When I read this chapter, I keep coming back to the simple idea that walking from a lukewarm Christian to a crazy love Christian happens when we simply learn how to go the extra mile. This chapter forced me to ask some difficult questions of myself regarding going the extra mile:

• Do I give to those who are poor or in need? Nope.
• Do I give sacrificially? Sometimes.
• Do I really look at my times with Jesus as something to enjoy, or just something I have to do? Probs the latter.
• Do I focus on heaven instead of the things of this world? To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I truly focused on the world beyond ours.
• When I'm at church, am I truly loving God or just going through the motions? Well, sometimes I find my mind wandering during worship, and I can't tell you the last time a sermon effected any serious life change for me.
• Do I love and care for people, even when they don't love or care for me back? Thinking of this I'm really haunted by some of the people I went to high school with. I can think of two guys who were, frankly, real jerks and acted stupid in school. They weren't really that nice to me. Yet, did I still reach out to them and love them like Jesus would? Nope. I can think of another girl who was just incredibly annoying and inconsiderate, and now in the post-high school world has turned into a real whore (sorry for the crudeness, but it's the truth). Yet, did I reach out beyond all the things I saw with her that annoyed me or that I disliked and try to love her? Nope.

I have a tendency to look at Jesus and the disciples and Paul and those guys and really look at them as radicals. The Bible would instead have us understand that these people weren't radical Christians, but just Christians. These were just people living the fullness of the Christian faith and the teachings of Jesus out. That's what a Christian is supposed to look like.

Just like anything else, I can't move on toward growth and healing until I own up to who I am and what I've done. So here, before everyone, let me make the confession that I am a lukewarm Christian. There is no getting around that. I haven't lived the Christian faith out in its fullness, and for that, Jesus has every reason to spit me out of his mouth. Take a few minutes and really think about that for yourself. We have a tendency to just sort of shrug it off, but give the question some real consideration. Are you a lukewarm Christian?

We need to repent. I took some time to do that this evening. God, I'm sorry for not giving sacrificially as You gave for me. Lord, I apologize for not loving people who don't love me back (even though You always love me, no matter what). God, I take my life and I lay it before You. Forgive me for the stupid words and the meaningless prayers and all that stuff. Lord, grant me Your forgiveness, and please through the power of the Holy Spirit help me better follow You.

But we shouldn't just meditate on all the stuff we do wrong... whether you're a lukewarm Christian or a crazy love Christian, God grants us His grace no matter what. We just fall down, and God picks us back up, dusts us off, and like the woman in John 8, tells us to try again. God's Holy Spirit is working in me, and I pray that He transforms me into a Christian who is deeply and madly in love with Him.

Lord, transform me. And forgive me.

Amen.

Crazy Love, Chapter 3: Crazy Love

I struggle to say the words "I love you."

I'm a pretty analytical person. And I am also of the persuasion that love is something beautiful and important. So, I probably also struggle to say "I love you" because other people toss the word "love" around so much. I know some people that love everything from their television to their grandma to their toaster oven.

I'm not so sure that's what love is meant to be.

I've never been in love, and I kind of wonder what that feels like. One day, I hope to fall just head over heels in love with a girl and have my heart beat fast and my stomach get butterflies each time she looks at me or talks to me or whatever. So juvenile, I know. But I hope to one day experience that. And I think that the fact that I don't feel like I know what love is or looks like or feels like kind of makes it hard for me to love.

I love my mom and my dad and most of the time, my sister (just kidding, I love her all the time). I love my friends. But I struggle to love God.

In addition to my struggle to say "I love you," I think a big reason why I struggle so much at loving God is simply the nature of the relationship. I just really struggle with loving this immense and huge God that I cannot see, touch, feel, etc. That's kind of weird to me.

I don't know that I carry a ton of baggage into looking at God like a Father. My dad is great, and I love him. However, through the first 12-14 years of my life, dad worked long, hard hours at his job. I feel like I never got to see him that much, and we've since just kind of had this relationship that's not very relational. Just kind of short, sweet, and to the point. We have our great moments, to be sure, but overall it's just kind of a not very relational relationship. Maybe I carry some of that over into my relationship with God, too.

I struggle at loving God. For the longest time, I did all the right Christian stuff, but I'm not sure it really did me much good because I did it because I would feel guilty otherwise. Especially in junior high and my first few years of high school, I did stuff like praying and reading my Bible not because I wanted to or because I loved God and wanted to get closer to Him, but because I would feel guilty and like a bad Christian if I didn't. Eventually, I got so frustrated because I wasn't getting anything out of this stuff that I basically gave up the day-to-day following God stuff. I didn't walk away from the faith or anything, and I certainly still made an effort to worship and follow God, but around my senior year in high school, I just kind of gave up on the whole daily Bible reading and prayer stuff because it was frustrating me and I just hated doing it. It was boring. I really empathized with that loveless faith that Francis described at the beginning of this chaper.

Probably because I was doing all that stuff for all the wrong reasons.

Since the start of 2009, God has really been working and getting a hold of me in this area. Slowly but surely I'm starting to do the day-to-day following God stuff like praying and reading my Bible because I understand that these are not exercises for me to check off of my Christian To-Do List, but that these are real ways in which God and I form a relationship. That's been difficult for me to embrace, but I'm slowly coming around, and that really excites me.

I sincerely agree with Francis Chan... if we ever truly learn and understand the basic idea that God loves us and cares for us and even wants a relationship with us, it will rock us to the core. I think that for me, familiarity has breeded contempt in this area. The message of God's love has become too familiar to me, and I gloss over it like I would any other mundane, ordinary thing. Yet, the fact that God loves me isn't ordinary at all. It's huge! It should shake my whole understanding of faith, following Jesus, and living my life.

After finishing the chapter, I was really overcome with this sense to simply meditate on the question: "What does it mean to say that God loves me?" I turned to 1 Corinthians 13 for my answer, replacing the word "love" with God. It was kind of a powerful exercise to pray about. Through it, I was reminded of God's incredible patience and perseverance with me. I was reminded that God always has my best interests at heart, and is incredibly kind and merciful to me. But most of all, I was reminded that God never fails, and would never leave me.

I love God. That's a fact. I love Him for what He's done for me, but I also love Him because of who He is, and because of the mere fact that even when no one else does, He chooses to care for me, to listen to me, and to love me, even when He gets absolutely nothing out of this relationship (which, let's be honest, is probably 99.99999% of the time).

"The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing that God treasures us" (p.61). I pray and pray and pray that God would continue to open my eyes to this mind-blowing truth.

Crazy Love, Chapter 2: You Might Not Finish This Chapter

We are all going to die.

Not exactly a really great way to start off a blog entry.

But folks, no matter how hard you try to hide from it, that's the truth. One day, we are all going to say goodbye to this earth, to the friends and family we know, and slip off into eternity. Death rate always has and always will be 100%. That's just a fact.

In today's reading, I was hit with a couple of things. The first is simply that we need to make our lives count. Francis said, "Many people just waste their lives." That's the truth.

As I prayed about that this evening, at first I felt pretty good about myself. I'm not wasting my life. I'm a pastor/pastoral studies student at a Bible college. I'm investing my life into doing God's work and into pouring into the lives of people, helping them further their relationship with Christ. That's a good thing. I'm doing well in this area, right?

But then I looked to my left. And to my right. I've got these gargantuan piles of clothes here. And all of a sudden, I realized that I needed to rethink whether or not I'm really investing my life into things that count. Sure, I am definitely doing that with my profession and career choice, but I've still got tons of room for growth. I spend so much of my time needing the coolest and best looking clothes, the nicest, neatest techno gadgets, or even just having tons of music (half of which I don't listen to) or movies or whatever. I don't think there's anything wrong with having these things, but I think if I'm honest I have a ton of excess that I simply don't need. Is that stuff that really matters?

The second thing I was sort of impacted by was the whole idea that when we worry and when we stress, we are holding a very prideful attitude. It's just dressed in different clothing. God clearly tells us that it is not our job to be worried or anxious about anything. Take a look at Philippians 4:4-9. Or Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:25-34. When I worry, and when I get anxious, I am essentially saying that God's Word does not apply in this situation; that I am somehow above the law and command of the Almighty Creator.

In the words of Chris Rock in Head of State, "That ain't right!"

After last night's reading and then today's, it should be pretty clear by now that we, as humans, are pretty small in comparison to God. God certainly values and loves each one of us, and each life is important, but in the whole scheme of things, we've each got our brief second of life. I, for one, want to make it count. I pray that God will continue to show me the ways in which I need to start investing in eternity, and doing stuff that truly makes a difference. I pray (gulp) that God will humble me and continue to show me how small and insignificant I am, but how great and powerful He is.

Crazy Love, Chapter 1 : Stop Praying.

So I, like just about every other twenty-something Christian in the United States, have decided to start reading Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. Everyone's been telling me what a freaking awesome book it is, so I figure, why not? So, I'm going to blog through the book. I'd love your feedback and discussion. In fact, I welcome it. I'm going to try to do my best at sharing my thoughts on what Chan writes and I dunno... see where it takes us. So, without further ado, chapter one: "Stop Praying."

Big confession time: I really struggle with worship sometimes.

That wouldn't sound so bad if it weren't the fact that I was a Bible college student.

Who majors in Worship Ministries.

Who is a worship minister, and soon to be a worship intern with a church near Chicago.

Yep. Not good.

I don't know exactly why. I think there are a few reasons. Number one, I just really struggle to focus on God. Especially on stage. I have one of those minds that's not really ADD, but I'm just always going through about 6 billion things at once, remembering to write to this person or to turn this paperwork in or to finish that assignment. And when I'm not making mental "to-do" lists, I'm double or triple checking them.

I think the other main reason I really struggle to worship God is simply because of the very nature of the relationship. I know that God has reached down into space and time through Jesus, and I could not be more convinced that God plays an intimate, loving, and caring role in each of our lives. Yet, still, I struggle with this idea of me connecting with or to God, who is so wholly different and just "other" than I am. I can't help but always feel that He's way out there, and I'm just kind of here. I know that's not true. I know He's here and that God cares. But knowing something and the way you feel don't always match up unfortunately.

Chapter 1 kind of calls me to think that maybe the reason I struggle to worship God so much deals directly with the simple fact that I don't properly and adequately understand how amazing God is and how small and insignificant that I am. If you didn't take the chance to watch the "Awe Factor" video on crazylovebook.com, you are totally missing something. I don't know that I really responded to that video in a really emotional way, but it's just something that makes you think about how small we are and how big God actually is.

Francis (and yes, I will refer to him by his first name... I practically raised his kids. And we chill on the weekends. And we're accountability partners. Okay, none of that is true at all, but I will still call him by first name.) had this Tozer quote in the book that talked about how what we believe and think when we hear the word, the name "God" is the most important thing about us. When I stopped and asked myself what I think of when I hear "God," this is what I got:

• God is very, very big.
• God is kind of impersonal and hard to relate to (even though I know God is very personal! Interesting the paradox we can live in sometimes, isn't it?)
• God is loving.
• God is there, and I am here.

Not exactly an awe-filling description. But if I'm honest, those are some of the main images that come to mind. And that's sad. Really sad. What does that say about me as a person who claims to be a follower of God? Not very much.

I kind of took a different look, though, on Revelation 4. I was really amused by the fact that Francis notes that when John describes God, he doesn't do so by talking about these physical features. For whatever reason, when I think of God on his throne, I think of a man. Yet, John doesn't compare God to any normal man. How does John describe God? By talking about jewelry. God is like an emerald, a sapphire, or the finest of rubies. He is that glowing and that radiant. He is that special.

I have never been confused for a beautiful piece of jewelry, no matter how hard I try.

And then, when John goes on to describe the elders (who must be pretty big stuff, seeing as how they have a permanent seat in God's throne room), he just says that they are dressed in white and wearing gold crowns. No doubt they are pretty cool, but when compared to God... yawn. Nothing special. That was really cool to me too. As was the idea of a lion-esque creature covered in eyes. Kind of creepy, actually.

And as I sort of unpacked everything at the end of the chapter, the other main truth I was forced to come face-to-face with is that as big and as awesome as God is, I am equally tiny, small, and insignificant. The question, "Who are you to tell God how to run His universe?" was very convicting to me. Mostly because I think I am pretty big stuff.

I try to be humble. I try to be selfless. But if I am honest, there are many times when my agenda, what I want, is placed high above everything else. There are a lot of things I've done in my life because they were what I wanted to do, or because they pleased me. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I do a pretty piss-poor job of focusing my life around God, His interests, and His glory.

Society and culture are very individual. There's a mindset that it's really all about what works for me. We are each told to pursue what we want. There's even the popular "whatever works" idea, where basically you believe and do what you want. What's right for you might not be right for another, etc. That's highly individual. That really places each of us on a pretty high pedestal in our own minds. But the grandure and greatness of God beckons us to understand that in the scheme of things, we are nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. But in the same vein, the God who is infinitely large and so amazing seeks out us, the poor and insignificant ones.

I keep praying that God will fill me with awe and wonder at the very mention or thought of Him, and also that God will shake me to the core with the truth of how small, insignificant, and unimportant I am. Maybe that will teach me to live the humble, selfless life that God desires. But likewise, I am also praying that God will teach me all over again, the awesome truth that He, the Almighty sovereign Creator of the universe, reaches out to little, tiny old me. Because if that truth gripped me at the core, in my heart... whoo boy there's no telling how my life would change.

Maybe if I took Francis' advice and simply stopped babbling on and on and actually took a look and took the time to stop and think, I might finally come to an understanding of who God really is. Maybe then, I would truly understand how big God is, how small I am, and how amazing Christ's love for me.

Chains.

So, I'm writing from here at CIY in Grantham, PA.

Yes, I did just see 4 butt naked high schoolers run down the hallway. It's all good.

Gang warfare between our guys and the guys from the other church living on our floor? Yep, seen it... actually, it's happening now. It's all good.

But seriously, it's been a fun, yet intimidating trip. I'm not going with Southwest, but with Madison, my home church in Columbus. We have a very young (and very new) group this year. Being gone from a place for about 8 or 9 months means some new faces and new kids. I haven't been super involved in their lives, so that's sort of intimidating too. I'm leading a D-Group and I have a panic attack about 15 minutes before each session.

It's all good.

But it really has been a good week so far. Greg Frazee is bringing the heat with worship, and speakers have been great. Eric and Nathan are here from CCU, so it's been really good to see them. And I'm hoping that there's a budding romance between myself and an intern from Ozark... good times.

But today's theme focused on the whole enslavement/freedom concept, as illustrated in the book of Exodus in the initial Passover feast. I guess I have just a few things to share from that.

Number one, I think it's really important to observe that the Passover takes place after 430 years of slavery on the part of the Israelites. God had been seemingly absent for a long time. It wasn't that the people weren't crying out... the Bible outlines that they were in the beginning of Exodus. God heard the cries. I have some real doubts and concerns about all of that... why did it take God 430 years? That's a long time to leave people crying out. That really troubles me. But I also concede that God has a unique timing and certainly there was a reason. These people were broken down, but God heard their cry and did something about it.

But secondly, the people were enslaved. This was something difficult. All day, we've been wearing these two wristbands with sins we struggle with written on the undersides of them. Tonight, we were given an extra wristband, and we had to tie together our hands. Literally, the entire 2 hours of the evening session, we were chained by these wristbands.

It was really humbling for me to think that this is what my sin does to me. I've been incredibly blessed in my life to never really struggle with a lot of issues that I've seen destroy other people's lives like porn, masturbation, pre-marital sex, suicide/depression, alcoholism, drug use, etc. I thank God for his mercy and grace with that.

Yet I still sin. My sins carry names like apathy.

Judgment.

Impurity.

Debt.

These are more socially-accepted sins within the confines of the church. I guess that's good in a way, because that means I can talk openly a little easier than can others about their sin, but it's also a bad thing. It's easy to lose the impact that this sin has on me. I go around carrying this sin, never really realizing how much it entangles and ensnares me.

But tonight, I didn't have that option. I couldn't cross my arms. I couldn't fiddle with my shirt or my jeans I was wearing. I couldn't really raise my hands during worship. I couldn't take notes during the sermon. I could barely even open and read my Bible during the sermon.

These "chains;" this enslavement was having a real effect on me. That was the point.

Sin has a real effect on us, even when we don't realize it. In fact, that's probably the scariest part: we don't realize it. Today, I had to come to grips with the humbling realization that even though my sins might not be scandalous or horrible in my eyes, they're still sins. They still affect me. There is a real enslavement happening here.

Of course, through the cross, Christ sets us free. His grace forgives my sin and offers me 2nd, 3rd, and 39,248,098th chances. Yet, I think that it's still important every now and then to observe that we are sinners, and that a man (no, more than a man) had to give his life on my behalf because of them.

In the story of Exodus, when God showed up, he showed up big time. Surely, he has the power to do the same today. Surely, he can still break the chains of apathy, judgement, impurity, and debt that bind me.

Desire.

Well, taking some time to write tonight from the Garlands' house... yet another family that has done so much for me and has longingly bestowed their hospitality on me. I have learned a lot about that in the past year or so... it started in Brazil and now continues in Springboro and will continue when I move to Chicago in a few months. Lord, thanks for the awesome, gracious, loving, and compassionate people that you put into my life.

Tonight, as I was driving here, for some reason I started to do a little bit of thinking about Psalm 42, and the psalmist's declaration that "as the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after You, oh God." It got me thinking about a few things.

Number one, I wish I could honestly say that about my life right now. Over the past few weeks, I've started to try to get into the habit of running a half mile or so before I get my day going, just in an effort to try and get a little bit more into shape. I am in terrible shape, and so when I finish each day, I am parched. I'm breathing hard. I'm sweating. Nothing feels better than a nice, tall, cool glass of water. And that's kind of the imagery I get here.

I wish that I could say I desired God that much. But I honestly don't know that I can say that right now. I used to feel that desire was something that just happened. You either had it or you didn't. As I've continued to grow up, though, I realize that the more you come into contact with beautiful things, the more you desire them. So I guess I need to work harder at exposing myself to the beauty of God, whether that's through a heartfelt prayer, the beauty of Scripture, or the wonder of worship.

Secondly, I started to think about the whole idea of desiring God. What does it mean to "desire God?" I think that's one of those church phrases that I just throw out there all the time without truly thinking about what it means. So tonight, I dared to define that. I came up with few different things. I think that desiring God means that I make a continual effort to spend time with him, whether that's Scripture, prayer, worship, or even just thinking about God and the way of life that he calls me to. I think that it's really important to make the recognition that when we truly desire things that we set aside other stuff for that thing. For instance, do I really desire my girlfriend, wife, or best friend if I'm not willing to turn off the TV and go see them or talk to them?

But I think that just as importantly, desiring God means that I genuinely desire for God's kingdom to come on this earth. And that has some huge implications as well, mostly because bringing God's kingdom to earth starts with me.

It starts with me taking the initiative to love other people, even the hard to love ones.

It starts with me making service a daily part of the life I live.

It starts with me having the courage to cultivate relationships with others.

It starts with me taking time out of my day to deal with others' problems, even when I have other stuff that needs to be done.

It starts with me diligently working to be a more Christlike person.

Beyond that, truly desiring God's kingdom to come requires me having the courage to encourage and lead other people to do these very same things. Not only must I lead by example, but I have to actively encourage other people to join in. That can take several forms: sharing the gospel message with someone who doesn't follow Jesus, finding a way to involve other people in the things that I am working to do for Christ, and sometimes even giving a swift (but loving!) kick in the pants to Christians who keep sitting on the sidelines.

For me, all of this is kind of a big thing to think about. Desiring God isn't just a state of mind, but it is something that can and should be directly seen through who I am and what I do. That can be difficult work, but that is the work that God calls us to! I'm sorry for the times and ways in which I don't demonstrate this. I'm still a work in progress. Can we try again? Together?

A Good Day.

So I often forget that I love my church a ton.

And then I go there for the weekend and I remember.

Today was kind of strange because we had a guest worship leader today, so I was on the sidelines. Basically, while service was going on, I stayed in the back and terrorized our sound people and communion servers. It was great.

I got a chance to greet people and talk with folks as they walked in the door, which was awesome. I love people. I love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. We had a cookout tonight and I spent some time chatting, catching up, and joking with some folks tonight.

Today ended up being a pretty good day.

Concert.

Well, the streets of Millvale (Pittsburgh), PA were just a little bit happier tonight as I enjoyed a Mae concert with my dear friends Justin Danec and Kevin Heller. We endured about 360 miles of travel and 6 hours in a car together as we went to enjoy some good music from one of our favorite bands... I think this was like our 6th time seeing the group play. I also developed a love for one of the opening bands that played this evening: Barcelona. They were great. Check out their CD "Absolutes." Not too bad at the concert.

Lately, I've also been listening a lot to a band called Sleeping at Last. They are also a very good band, out of Illinois I believe. Very nice and mellow... my kind of stuff. Check them out as well. I think they might actually be Christian, too... not that that should necessarily influence your feelings about their music. Just throwing that one out there.

I really loved just getting to spend some time with some buddies in the car this evening. It was great to talk and joke and just be ourselves. Certainly a lot of laughter. Good times.

And over the past few days, I've realized how terrible I am at this whole 1 Corinthians 9 thing that I posted about a few days ago. I've kept messing up time and time again... probs a little disappointing to God. Yet, I know his grace covers my mistakes. For that I am truly thankful, because I am far from a perfect person. I'm just a forgiven one. Without being too religious, thank you Jesus!

C.J. and Ami leave for Indy tomorrow... hard to believe that it is happening.

Love you guys. I'll write again soon.

wb

1 Corinthians 10.21-22//Choice.

"You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons. You cannot share in the Lord's table and the table of demons. Or are we provoking the Lord to jealousy? Are we stronger than he?"

1corinthians10.21-22

This verse is a real stirring reminder of the importance of living each and every day in a holy way. I can think of a few different verses from Paul's writings where he makes a huge point about this. In Romans, he talks about the grace of Christ, but comes right back to say that we shouldn't just keep sinning. God has redeemed us from that lifestyle and we shouldn't continue in it any longer. I think in James, the author talks about how out of the same mouth come both blessing and cursing, and James' response is, "Brothers, this should not be!" This verse even echoes some of the teachings of Jesus, where he says that those who are not with him are against him, etc.

It's kind of hard figuring out this paradox between God's grace and my sin. I understand I'm not supposed to sin any more, but I still do. God's grace certainly covers over those sins. Yet, it really makes me uncomfortable when I see people tossing around sin like it's nothing, because they know the grace of God covers it. I don't think that's the Christianity that Jesus, Paul, or Peter would want us to practice.

Here, it is really clear that for Christians, we can't share both in the community of God and the community of Satan. Which for me, is a little convicting. I struggle with some stuff. Seemingly everyday there are things that I think, things that I say, that immediately afterwards make me think, "That was so stupid. That was not God honoring." Again, I know that in the end, those sins are covered by the blood of Christ. They're as far away as the east is from the west. But, I know that in light of this verse, that's not the way I should be living.

I shouldn't think hatefully.

I shouldn't say the mean thing.

I shouldn't look at that picture.

I shouldn't spend irresponsibly.

Ultimately, through this passage, I think that God is trying to say that it's important for us to remember that as Christians, we no longer have any part in worldly ways of thinking, acting, and behaving. And a lot of the time, I don't think I match up to that standard. I don't do God justice. I have a tendency to throw holiness and sanctification on the back burner, when I should really make those qualities a bigger priority in my life.

So Lord, here's to you transforming me, renewing me, and sanctifying me from the inside out.

Say.

Well, it's been awhile, but I'm hoping to keep up with this a lot this summer. I'm starting to recognize how quickly time and life pass me by, and I guess that for me, this is a great release as well as a good way to sort of document the moments and phases of my life and such.

I've never been much of a person for regrets, but lately, I'm finding a few.

Number one, I regret being so stupid with money. Seriously, I'm terrible. Here, as a 21 year old college student, I find myself almost $5,000 in debt. That's terrible. Shameful. I regret the stupid financial decisions that I've made in my past. For the past few months I've been doing my best to try and get things rolling, but to no avail. I can never seem to press through.

I also regret not taking more time to invest in relationships with other people. At the outset of this year, I was looking at a much more relaxed schedule, with some opportunities to really invest in some people and benefit in that way. Now, I look back at the year, and I discover I really didn't invest much in anything. I didn't invest much in my relationship with God. I didn't invest much time in making new friends, or more specifically, in growing closer to a few of the friends that I already have. I wish I would have taken less time feeling like I was a burden on other people and just take the risk of sharing my life with other people.

I really regret placing so much stock in my failed New Hampshire internship. That ended up pushing my graduation date back an entire year. With the internship I'm taking now (which, don't get me wrong, I am excited about), I'm not going to graduate with those I entered school with. It's kind of depressing.

I also really regret not taking the time to meet and go out with Laura. I waited like a month to finally work up the courage to even tell people about her, and then Ami delivers a golden opportunity right into my lap and I let my nerves and fears get in the way of ever trying to, you know, talk to her or ask her out or anything like that. Each day I log onto facebook, I am reminded of what a great girl she is, how surprisingly compatible we would be, and of the opportunity that I let drift away. Now I'm not sure what to do. I regret wasting my time pursuing a stupid, familiar relationship that I knew probably wasn't going to work out anyway instead of going after something new, beautiful, and exciting. I missed an opportunity there.

It's just kind of strange how life works out. I don't know exactly what I expected to be doing with my life at age 21, but I don't think I expected to be here. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing (or a good thing), but just something I didn't expect. I wasn't expecting to do a year-long internship. I wasn't expecting to spend another empty summer at home. I certainly wasn't expecting financial trouble. Of course, I wasn't expecting to be working a great ministry job in Springboro, either.

I also wasn't expecting to say goodbye for what seems like forever to my two best friends this year. I don't think that the weight of this has fully hit me yet. It's summer. But I know that when the beginning of the next school year rolls around, I will be missing C.J. and Ami a lot. It's just really funny how one second we're graduating together, and the next, they're finishing school before I've even started senior year yet. I still just kind of feel like I'm flying through. I'm supposed to be having dinner with them tomorrow night. I wonder if it will hit me then, as they pack up and get ready to leave on Friday. We'll see.

I'm listening to a song right now that proclaims we need to "say all the things that you really want to say." In that spirit, here's a few. I don't want to talk about my internship. I'm not ready yet. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready to part with friends. I'm not ready to put my life on hold for yet another year. I'm not ready to leave church. I'm not ready to face the questions of adulthood. I'm just not ready yet.

I don't want to have another talk with my family about my plans, or lack thereof. I just want to be allowed to live my life without necessarily having a plan in place. Why can't they just let stuff happen? I want to talk about Laura. I want to talk to Laura... I want to do something in that situation, but I don't know what. I want my dad to get a job so my life can feel like it has some semblance of normalcy. I want to be anywhere but here, yet not there.

Those are the things I want to say. I said them.