But still, we press on.
This chapter really hits home for me, mostly because I think this issue of loving God has been a struggle at the center of my entire Christian life. You can say "I love Jesus" all that you want, but if the motivation isn't there, it simply isn't there.
I really struggle with loving God wholeheartedly and for the right reasons. I think I've shared on here before that I don't think I've ever really experienced what it means to be "in love" with another person, and that kind of frustrates me because I don't really have much of a barometer to go off of in my relationship with God. People tell me that "when you're in love, you'll know." Well, I'm not sure that I know, so I guess that means I haven't really experienced that... and biggest of all, that means I haven't experienced love with God.
I am definitely committed to being and living as a Christian, I think. (haha note the irony there? Well done, Wesley. Well done.) I mean, I've been baptized. I don't miss church; heck, I've committed my life to serving in ministry. I go to a Bible college, and I major in Biblical Studies. I give 10% of my paycheck each week in the offering plate. I try to let the teachings of the Bible shape the way I live my life and interact with others. I don't say this to brag, but just to state some facts.
Yet, is it possible that despite all of this that I am just missing the point?
I really wish to be engulfed in a relationship with God the resembles the one Francis Chan describes with his wife's grandmother. I really wish that that was me, were I just love spending time in prayer, reading Scripture, simply sitting back and worshipping, all that stuff.
But I think that if I'm really honest, I look at a lot of Christian spirituality as simply one big chore. I want all of the grace and forgiveness without much of the effort. I make a pretty good effort at the facade of a Christian life, but there's very little heart behind it. If all my faith does is fill a Sunday morning time slot, stop me from having sex before marriage and keep me from cussing and getting drunk all the time, then that's a pretty sorry belief system. I want a faith that transforms and changes me completely, and I'm not sure that I'm seeing that.
I'm kind of coming face-to-face with the idea that transformation doesn't just happen. Transformation won't happen in my life without my fair share of effort. For instance, I am hideously overweight, and for a long time I think I just kind of thought that would magically change without me actually changing for some reason. Yet, now I realize that change doesn't happen unless I make a change. Thus, this summer began my big running experiment.
The same goes with the Christian faith. I won't see my life transformed and changed unless I'm willing to take the initiative to make some change and transformation myself. That requires hard work like praying when I'm tired, making time to read God's Word each day, and worshipping even (especially!) when I don't feel like it.
But the great news is that God is more than willing to meet us halfway. I'm right on with Francis Chan in believing that we need God's help to love Him that much. I'm a sinful human, and I am incapable of loving anyone beautifully, truly, and completely. God will help me along in that process if I simply (persistently) ask Him. I think we just need to understand that it's not some magic process where I wave the wand of prayer and I'm magically transformed from Wesley Blackburn into Mother Teresa. There is real work involved.
So what have we put in the way of loving God? I've put a lot of stuff in the way.
- Spending hours of my day daydreaming about being in love with whatever girl I'm crushing on (probably only happens like 3000x a day).
- Spending my money on acquiring the newest clothes, gadgets, music, whatever.
- Placing a higher priority on spending time with friends over spending time with God.
None of these are bad things in and of themselves, but they become terrible when they are prioritized ahead of God. Remember the God we learned about in chapter 1? That God is way cooler, way bigger, way more important, and way more worthy of our worship than any other thing on that list above (or any of our lists, really).
Lord, help me to love You. Help me to be lost in a genuine love and affection for You. Help me to love spending every minute with You, and may I enjoy as close a relationship with You as humanly possible. May I not just read about examples of that relationship; God I want to experience that relationship. As scary as it is, Lord, I offer my entire life to You. I am surrendered to You. Lord, may I know You better and fall more in love with You each day.
Amen.
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