Today was a good day. Not a super interesting one by any means, but still a good one.
I hate homework so much, but it was 10:30 and the sun was shining and I couldn't go back to bed, so I picked up my book for Church Growth & Planting, did a few chapters, and then went to brunch (which was actually very good, by the way). I came back to the room with the intent to do some more homework, only to be distracted by a couple episodes of Project Runway.
Of course, since it's Bravo, they reshow the same episodes from the season over and over again. This time, they showed the photo-inspiration one and the USA Olympic team one. As I was watching, I was reminded about how glad I am that Keith Bryce is gone. Seriously. I mean, what a whiny, complainy, wuss of a person. I could put up with that if he was a halfway-decent designer, but still. I am glad he's gone. And though he at first annoyed me, I am starting to like Suede. He's so over the top... you've gotta love it. But I'd still have to say my favorite designer is a toss-up between Leanne and Kator (not sure how you spell it!) though. Both are quite talented. There's still just no stand-out in the group this year, though. I'm a little disappointed.
Anyway, from there, off to C.J.'s church since I'm playing in the band for him this weekend. I suppose that was fine, but I have two issues. Number one, while the drive is beautiful and lovely, and for the most part I like the people at C.J.'s church, it is still a 45 minute drive. I think I needed to choke back tears tonight as I mourned for the gas pouring out of my tank. Also, their sound man drives me crazy. He's just so... weird. I guess I should try to make a better effort instead of judging him like the weak little seventh-grader that I am inside, but still. I just don't get it sometimes.
My evening finished up with an unexpected visit to C.J. and Ami's apartment for dinner, at Ami's invitation. I love those two so much. And the great thing is that they are just as wonderful together as they are separately. They complement each other well, and marriage is working out very nicely for them. It always makes me happy when I'm able to spend time together with them. I just wish I wasn't the 3rd wheel though. That's never a pleasant thing. Of course, neither is trying to pry C.J. away from his "Time" magazine, or the Ohio State loss this evening. I guess some things you just have to tough out.
And recently, I'm (re)discovering that I'm not as great a Christian as I like to think that I am. Oh well, such is life. I've noticed that really since high school, my walk with Jesus has kind of stagnated in a way, but not because I've quit attending church or anything like that. Granted, I could definitely do a better job of commiting myself to prayer and to studying the Bible (kind of ironic, seeing as how I do carry a Biblical Studies major), but (not to sound arrogant) I think I'm at a point where I know enough about the Bible. My problem isn't knowing, and most of the time, it isn't doing, either. My problem is being. I struggle with the attitudes of the heart. Things on the outside are for the most part good. But I struggle with grace. Kindness. Truthfulness. My favorite... pure motives.
I think I have stagnated a lot because I have just now realized I'm at a point in my faith where God is ready for me to undertake the more difficult work of rennovating the heart. And that is challenging. Yet, I believe in the end, it will be rewarding. The first place I'm going to start is with trust and generosity. I'm going to tithe tomorrow... a whopping $10.40, but nevertheless, 10% of my last paycheck. It's the first time I'll tithe in over a year. We'll see where this goes...
Sorry this was boring, but hey. They can't all be super interesting.
Until next time...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Embrace.
I'm learning that I have limits. I suppose that we all do.
Today I made a stunning realization: I can't imagine being free of wanting, wishing, and hoping things were different. And that's a little scary.
I spend so much of my time wishing for my life to be different. I wish I was good looking like this person, or popular like him, or in love like them. I waste so much time wishing, waiting, and hoping for things to be different that I miss the chance to be myself.
Slowly, I must learn that some people are just better looking, have more talent, more money, or more popularity. Sometimes things work out for one person, and not others.
I need to learn to embrace who I am. My history. My circumstances. My talents. My abilities.
And I need to learn to be happy with that, because this is the lot that God has chosen to give me. All I can do is pursue doing the things that I have been called to do, and be satisfied with that.
But that attitude seems so far away.
But yet, it's getting a little closer by the second.
Today I made a stunning realization: I can't imagine being free of wanting, wishing, and hoping things were different. And that's a little scary.
I spend so much of my time wishing for my life to be different. I wish I was good looking like this person, or popular like him, or in love like them. I waste so much time wishing, waiting, and hoping for things to be different that I miss the chance to be myself.
Slowly, I must learn that some people are just better looking, have more talent, more money, or more popularity. Sometimes things work out for one person, and not others.
I need to learn to embrace who I am. My history. My circumstances. My talents. My abilities.
And I need to learn to be happy with that, because this is the lot that God has chosen to give me. All I can do is pursue doing the things that I have been called to do, and be satisfied with that.
But that attitude seems so far away.
But yet, it's getting a little closer by the second.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Consider this...
"Mighty waters cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all his wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned," (Song of Songs 8:7).
Until next time...
Until next time...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Well, things have finally calmed down a little bit, and I suppose I have some time to update this now...
School has been in session for two weeks now. In some ways it seems that it's just started, and in others, it feels like it's been so much longer. Classes have started off well. I can't say enough how happy I am with my schedule and all that I'll be doing this year. I have a decent-sized course load, but definitely something I can handle fairly easily, and definitely a lot less than last year.
Last year. Ugh. Let's not talk about that.
Gap in Cincy is working out well, too. We have a new store manager, so I was a little apprehensive about working with a new person. However, she's been really good to me as far as scheduling and such goes, so that's great. I've actually worked every single day I've been available since coming back into Cincinnati, which is great, beacuse I definitely could use the money. It's also been great, because the way things are working out, I'm getting a lot of shorter 4.5/5 hour shifts, which still allot me some time for a social life, which is great.
And speaking of Gap, I came in this evening to visit my friend Mikaiala, who's now back to school at Xavier after a summer in California. I didn't realize how much I missed her this summer. She's a really cool person and I look forward to seeing her again and hopefully hanging out with her more this semester. I know it was really great to get to see her for a few minutes this evening and catch up a little bit on life and such. She got into the prenatal/neonatal program for nursing at Xavier, which is awesome because I know she talked about that last year, so that's really awesome that she gets to do what she wants!
I also got an e-mail from a minister of a church near Dayton earlier this week asking if I'd be willing to consider interviewing for a worship minister position at his church. It's just so weird because taking a ministry position was totally off of my radar. Ever since my experience with South Side and then the ministry I oversee at Madison, I've never really considered getting back into some sort of church position until after graduation. Getting this e-mail was a total eye opener for me, at least.
South Side was such a miserable experience; from day one, it was an uphill battle dealing with people's schedules, a lack of support from the church, and just overall disrespect for me as a person and as a minister of the gospel. I cannot express how much that experience crushed me emotionally and spiritually. A lot of my disdain and hate for churches in general stems from that one church and how I was treated there.
I can't go through another experience like that again. I am so horrible with conflict. I hate dealing with disgruntled, disrespectful people. I think that if another South Side-esque experience were to happen to me, I would just have a nervous breakdown and probably never consider ministry again. I think for that reason, I have shyed away from so many opportunities.
Madison is a great place. I know and love the people. I get a lot of freedom to do what I want, without the responsibility of being the final point person. I think for me, the great thing about Madison is that it is safe. Yeah, I don't really get compensated or anything, but I don't have to worry about many of the tough parts of ministry. I don't have to deal with any real conflict.
So when I initially was contacted about this opportunity, I basically kind of said, "Oh, that's nice, but not for me." Yet, as I continued on with my life this week, I just wasn't able to let go of this opportunity, though I tried. Something about it just kept following me around. I guess that's the pull of the Holy Spirit. And because I believe that this pull is from the Holy Spirit, I've decided to apply for the position despite my fears and concerns. I'll see what happens.
But overall, life is great. I'm really excited for what is in store.
Until next time,
wb
School has been in session for two weeks now. In some ways it seems that it's just started, and in others, it feels like it's been so much longer. Classes have started off well. I can't say enough how happy I am with my schedule and all that I'll be doing this year. I have a decent-sized course load, but definitely something I can handle fairly easily, and definitely a lot less than last year.
Last year. Ugh. Let's not talk about that.
Gap in Cincy is working out well, too. We have a new store manager, so I was a little apprehensive about working with a new person. However, she's been really good to me as far as scheduling and such goes, so that's great. I've actually worked every single day I've been available since coming back into Cincinnati, which is great, beacuse I definitely could use the money. It's also been great, because the way things are working out, I'm getting a lot of shorter 4.5/5 hour shifts, which still allot me some time for a social life, which is great.
And speaking of Gap, I came in this evening to visit my friend Mikaiala, who's now back to school at Xavier after a summer in California. I didn't realize how much I missed her this summer. She's a really cool person and I look forward to seeing her again and hopefully hanging out with her more this semester. I know it was really great to get to see her for a few minutes this evening and catch up a little bit on life and such. She got into the prenatal/neonatal program for nursing at Xavier, which is awesome because I know she talked about that last year, so that's really awesome that she gets to do what she wants!
I also got an e-mail from a minister of a church near Dayton earlier this week asking if I'd be willing to consider interviewing for a worship minister position at his church. It's just so weird because taking a ministry position was totally off of my radar. Ever since my experience with South Side and then the ministry I oversee at Madison, I've never really considered getting back into some sort of church position until after graduation. Getting this e-mail was a total eye opener for me, at least.
South Side was such a miserable experience; from day one, it was an uphill battle dealing with people's schedules, a lack of support from the church, and just overall disrespect for me as a person and as a minister of the gospel. I cannot express how much that experience crushed me emotionally and spiritually. A lot of my disdain and hate for churches in general stems from that one church and how I was treated there.
I can't go through another experience like that again. I am so horrible with conflict. I hate dealing with disgruntled, disrespectful people. I think that if another South Side-esque experience were to happen to me, I would just have a nervous breakdown and probably never consider ministry again. I think for that reason, I have shyed away from so many opportunities.
Madison is a great place. I know and love the people. I get a lot of freedom to do what I want, without the responsibility of being the final point person. I think for me, the great thing about Madison is that it is safe. Yeah, I don't really get compensated or anything, but I don't have to worry about many of the tough parts of ministry. I don't have to deal with any real conflict.
So when I initially was contacted about this opportunity, I basically kind of said, "Oh, that's nice, but not for me." Yet, as I continued on with my life this week, I just wasn't able to let go of this opportunity, though I tried. Something about it just kept following me around. I guess that's the pull of the Holy Spirit. And because I believe that this pull is from the Holy Spirit, I've decided to apply for the position despite my fears and concerns. I'll see what happens.
But overall, life is great. I'm really excited for what is in store.
Until next time,
wb
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What Lies Ahead.
Well, I can't believe it, but the beginning of school is finally here.
This weekend I'll be packing up all my belongings and moving back to Cincinnati for the next few months. I truly feel like it was not but a few weeks ago that I was in Cincinnati helping C.J. move into his new apartment and I was moving into Brad's. And I can still remember how happy I was when I finally moved back home to Columbus... no longer would I be living out of boxes and such. But alas, now I am preparing to move back again.
I am both excited and anxious about what this upcoming semester holds. A lot has happened over the summer. C.J. and Ami have tied the knot, as have Tyler and Caitlin, Scott (my old roommate) and Sara, as well as Erin, one of my friends from high school. Certainly, this phenomenon will not stop as the year carries on... I'm entering my junior year in Bible college, and like it or not, that means that with each passing month, someone new will be getting engaged, married, or at least dating seriously. I suppose I should expect change in that area of my life.
Summer for me personally has been a really different experience. I entered summer telling myself that I would not hold back, but that I would jump in and get involved in a lot of different things. I promised myself that I wouldn't just sit around and do nothing like I do every summer. For the most part, I feel like I've come through on that goal. I've typically been working at least 4, usually 5 or 6 days a week, so I've been involved there. I've even walked away making some nice new acquaintances. I started teaching class on Sunday morning for high schoolers at church... we've been going through the Gospels. More than studying with these kids, it's been cool to form some new relationships with these kids and to get to know them a little more personally. I even got to go to CIY this summer as a sponsor, and that was really awesome. Getting to know all of the kids was great. Somewhere in there, I found time to spend with friends, which has also been really nice. Generally, I feel pretty out of place back home seeing that I'm only here on a very minimal basis throughout the year. Getting plugged in again was nice.
In many ways I feel as if I am maturing as a person. I find myself longing to be living on my own, having friends over and just enjoying life. I can't wait to turn 21 and enjoy a nice glass of wine as I wind down the day every now and then. Yet, in many ways, I'm still so young. I'm not ready to decide what I want to do with my life yet. I still feel very young in my faith; I feel extremely unworthy to guide other people into spiritual maturity when I still feel so far from that ideal myself. All in all, though, I suppose that this is what these years are all about.
I'm very excited about this upcoming few months. I love my schedule for school. Class 9-12 and 1:30-2:45 on Monday and Wednesday (9-12 only on Fridays), and then no class until 3:30 on Tuesday. I don't even have class Thursdays, which will be awesome. To boot, I'm only carrying 19 credit hours this semester (compared to 24 last semester, plus an international trip and weekend long tour of the midwest), and only 16 of those are actually during the semester. I also feel like I've gotten a work schedule which allows me to work enough hours to support myself, while at the same time allowing me time to have a social life and be with those that I love. I'm also feeling less pressure to be at work all the time, and I'm a little more open to taking some time off to live my life and make my world a little less stressful.
At the same time, I'm also a little anxious about a few things. I'm going to be carrying a little bit of debt into the beginning of next semester. I hope that I can be responsible, dig myself out, and take care of that situation. I was very dissatisfied with work last semester... I never felt that I got good hours, and I also felt a little disrespected. I'm a good employee and a hard worker, and I just don't feel that my managers ever recognized that, and didn't give me the treatment that I deserved. I hope that both of those things change this year.
I'll be living alone this year, and while in some ways that's going to be nice, I also anticipate that being difficult. I am a person who makes friends easily, but I do not make close friends easily at all. Any close friends I have are generally those who are made in spite of me, not because of me. I struggle to get myself plugged into community, and I hope that this year I can learn how to reach out to those around me, instead of choosing to be lonely or depressed. I'm still going to be doing worship for church in Columbus 2 weekends a month, and that's a big, time-consuming committment. I'm feeling kind of burnt out with that right now, and there were points last semester where I was ready to quit. I need strength and perseverance to continue.
Overall, I'm looking forward to what the next semester has in store. Last year was a difficult year of growth for me. I'm praying that this year will be a little easier. Here's to new friendships, more joy, and great experiences in the months that lie ahead.
Until next time...
This weekend I'll be packing up all my belongings and moving back to Cincinnati for the next few months. I truly feel like it was not but a few weeks ago that I was in Cincinnati helping C.J. move into his new apartment and I was moving into Brad's. And I can still remember how happy I was when I finally moved back home to Columbus... no longer would I be living out of boxes and such. But alas, now I am preparing to move back again.
I am both excited and anxious about what this upcoming semester holds. A lot has happened over the summer. C.J. and Ami have tied the knot, as have Tyler and Caitlin, Scott (my old roommate) and Sara, as well as Erin, one of my friends from high school. Certainly, this phenomenon will not stop as the year carries on... I'm entering my junior year in Bible college, and like it or not, that means that with each passing month, someone new will be getting engaged, married, or at least dating seriously. I suppose I should expect change in that area of my life.
Summer for me personally has been a really different experience. I entered summer telling myself that I would not hold back, but that I would jump in and get involved in a lot of different things. I promised myself that I wouldn't just sit around and do nothing like I do every summer. For the most part, I feel like I've come through on that goal. I've typically been working at least 4, usually 5 or 6 days a week, so I've been involved there. I've even walked away making some nice new acquaintances. I started teaching class on Sunday morning for high schoolers at church... we've been going through the Gospels. More than studying with these kids, it's been cool to form some new relationships with these kids and to get to know them a little more personally. I even got to go to CIY this summer as a sponsor, and that was really awesome. Getting to know all of the kids was great. Somewhere in there, I found time to spend with friends, which has also been really nice. Generally, I feel pretty out of place back home seeing that I'm only here on a very minimal basis throughout the year. Getting plugged in again was nice.
In many ways I feel as if I am maturing as a person. I find myself longing to be living on my own, having friends over and just enjoying life. I can't wait to turn 21 and enjoy a nice glass of wine as I wind down the day every now and then. Yet, in many ways, I'm still so young. I'm not ready to decide what I want to do with my life yet. I still feel very young in my faith; I feel extremely unworthy to guide other people into spiritual maturity when I still feel so far from that ideal myself. All in all, though, I suppose that this is what these years are all about.
I'm very excited about this upcoming few months. I love my schedule for school. Class 9-12 and 1:30-2:45 on Monday and Wednesday (9-12 only on Fridays), and then no class until 3:30 on Tuesday. I don't even have class Thursdays, which will be awesome. To boot, I'm only carrying 19 credit hours this semester (compared to 24 last semester, plus an international trip and weekend long tour of the midwest), and only 16 of those are actually during the semester. I also feel like I've gotten a work schedule which allows me to work enough hours to support myself, while at the same time allowing me time to have a social life and be with those that I love. I'm also feeling less pressure to be at work all the time, and I'm a little more open to taking some time off to live my life and make my world a little less stressful.
At the same time, I'm also a little anxious about a few things. I'm going to be carrying a little bit of debt into the beginning of next semester. I hope that I can be responsible, dig myself out, and take care of that situation. I was very dissatisfied with work last semester... I never felt that I got good hours, and I also felt a little disrespected. I'm a good employee and a hard worker, and I just don't feel that my managers ever recognized that, and didn't give me the treatment that I deserved. I hope that both of those things change this year.
I'll be living alone this year, and while in some ways that's going to be nice, I also anticipate that being difficult. I am a person who makes friends easily, but I do not make close friends easily at all. Any close friends I have are generally those who are made in spite of me, not because of me. I struggle to get myself plugged into community, and I hope that this year I can learn how to reach out to those around me, instead of choosing to be lonely or depressed. I'm still going to be doing worship for church in Columbus 2 weekends a month, and that's a big, time-consuming committment. I'm feeling kind of burnt out with that right now, and there were points last semester where I was ready to quit. I need strength and perseverance to continue.
Overall, I'm looking forward to what the next semester has in store. Last year was a difficult year of growth for me. I'm praying that this year will be a little easier. Here's to new friendships, more joy, and great experiences in the months that lie ahead.
Until next time...
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